To Be or Not to be.....a bad friend.

Another Christmas come and gone and I came away with a grill, slippers and Nintendo DS. I was not disapointed. Alternately my gifts weren't as great considering some were given in spite....for instance i gave my brother in law 2 recycle bins because I had ran over his previous ones with my car and smashed them to pieces. Another....I gave my sister Aqua Globes....She saw them on the shopping channel and while I was awed by their pure ingenious quality- she called them tacky and ugly and said she wouldn't be caught dead with them in her plants. Needless to say she now has one sitting in her plant in the kitchen. I have reined victorious.
Ok maybe not quite. On my way to Christmas eve at the grandparents I managed to hit a pool of water that was concealed by the heavy rain and fog. I hydroplaned and spun in maaannnyy circles while trying to avoid hitting the other cars, going off the road and keeping my car on at least two tires. I stalled it in the middle of the 115 and while the panic set in and I stared at the oncomming traffic, I managed a single task. I called my dad.
He was not pleased. I had left my car stalled in the middle of the 3 lane highway while I shook and cried into the phone. People were yelling at me to move my car, but in my stunned shock (I have never once been in any car accident apart from backing into a rock....and a garbage bin.....and two recycling bins) it never occurred to my to turn my car off and back on. Once that was all said and done I set back out on a shaky drive to Granny's house. makeup and night ruined, lets just say I wasn't in much of a mood for making merry.
The good thing that came out of my drive home was that I got have the reunion with my best friends from highschool and play catchup. It ran overtime because we were all so enthralled with the new baby and flashing diamond rings and relationships that looked promising. All in all, the whole experience made me realize that I have been a bad friend. Being a bad friend is so much easier then being a good one that it is often the road that most people take. it is so much easier to wait for them to call YOU and make an effort to see YOU and update YOU and for them to take the torch for keeping in contact. Word of advice....if someone else is always holding the torch, it will almost always be thrown down at some point when their arm becomes tired and they get frustrated with your lack of effort.
During my early years of university, and even just prior to university I was entirely too self involved. I wasn't trying to stay in contact with my friends because i expected them to try and stay in contact with me, like I was invaluable. NO ONE is invaluable. I was too caught up in partying and boys and being good looking (or trying) and meeting new people....that I left my trusty old friends behind. I have said this before that there is a song called sunscreen that really left an impression on me and the line from it is "Hold on to the people you knew when you were young. The older you get, the more you will need them to remember who you were". When you finally learn this lesson it is usually too late. You feel alone and your cell phone contact list is wearing thin and you can't think of anybody to call to come over and just watch a stupid movie with you....the only people you can think of would only accompany you to a bar and only if they were in the area and going there anyway. Being a bad friend in a choice. A lazy choice.

Don't let people leave you behind or else you'll be left with a pile of torches nobody will be willing to hold.

Mall, Road and General RAGE

I imagine that the most disgusting thing I could endure would be sitting in a smelly bathroom. Think about it- You are sitting in the remnants of someone elses shit. They took a crap before you and now you are breathing in their poo particled. I hate public washrooms. But during the christmas season, we are all spending extended periods of time in the mall, shopping. You might think a womans washroom would be cleaner then the mens, but that is NOT the case. Men can stand. So imagine how many MORE asses have hit those toilet seats in the womens...how many infectious bottoms. There is always urine or mysterious blood stains and crap on the toilet seats. Us germ concious people try to fake out the crowds and go to the farthest possible stall in hopes it might be in some sort of order. it never really is...it might not have those fleshy leftover peices of toilet paper left in them, but they are still far from clean.

If you have never been a victim of road rage, I would like to advise you to refrain from using you middle finger. It brings nothing but negative responses. Christmas and holiday drivers are psychotic. They think that where they're going and what they're doing is a million times more important then whatever it is you might be doing. Recently I was travelling down Woodbine avenue and pulled out of my office road to go to the bank. Now I will firstly establish that I am NOT like many women drivers...i do NOT drive slow or fail to check my blind spots or refuse to lane change if blocking traffic. I am a fairly considerate driver. So on this unlucky day I pulled out into my lane and sped up fast to go with the flow of traffic and there was this HUGE Cube truck behind me which I feel I gave adequate room for him to not slow down....instead he spead UP and got right on my tail and honked his horn while riding my ass. Finally he swerved to the lane on my left and stayed there...and me being scared of this HUGE intimidating TUBCO (they sell hottubs) truck honking and squishing me- i of course gave him the finger and told him to fuck off in hopes he might do just that. He didn't. Instead he started swerving into my lane- Totally cutting my off and trying to run me off the road...where I would have almost possitively hit a pole if I hadn't slammed on my braked until I skidded to a stop. Needless to say, i called the company and complained...threatened legal action......Word to the wise for all meatheads...if you want to road rage, how about you ensure the name os the company you work for isn't plastered all over the side of your vehicle.

On a lighter note- I want to congratulate my best friends from Highschool, Sarah who just got married and Ashley who just had her first baby over a week ago. i couldn't be more proud of them (not to mention a little jealous). I would love to be where they are, but maybe in 5....10 years....ok maybe never.....but that doesn't mean it is great for them. I am probably just not the Marrying,...motherly....spousal type. But who knows right? Anyway,....all for now. Enjoy the holidays everyone.

Too close to home

In highschool I had a core group of friends and we called ourselves GDHP each word symbolizing an aspect of our personalities. Growth, Director, Healer and Princess. I think we were so different and we complimented each others personality really nicely. Sadly we went to different Universities and lost contact. Now facebook brought us back together and I can follow 'D' through her marriage, 'G' through her pregnancy, and 'H' through her acedemic endeavors. There is a song that talks about wearing suncreen and the guy goes on to give advice about life and says that the older you get the more you will need the people you knew when you were young. I think this is so true. You never really learn to value the people that come and go until you have so few.

I will be getting my own place soon and I imagine it being a comfortable place to have people over to relax and play poker and watch movies....Christmas comes first I guess. Mom and my sister want to go on a carribean cruise for christmas...it is a break in traditiion for sure, but it might be fun to do something different. I have a hard time believing that an experience is better then material goods. Maybe because my memory is so bad I only remember pieces of my life that were really good. So is it better to give something that somone can hold in their hands? something tangible? Or is it better to give people experience that can be remembered....or forgotten. I will think about it and get back to you.

The mystery of Human relationships.

I sorta abandoned my blog for a while. I got some negative feedback and it made me consider deleting it but I decided that it wouldn't be in my best interests because there are so many things I want to share and delve into (insightfully) that deleting my only outlet (currently) would be bad. So the update is that I am puppy sitting this weekend. Hanna was just fixed and so she needs to be monitored so that she doesn't bite out her stitches. I took her with me to get my dinner yesterday and walked her through this sketchy little strip mall by the house to pick up my order. Literally in and out and some old lady working at some totally random hotdog and hamburger crap stand started yelling at me for bringing her in, even though I was no where near any food places and wasn't sitting in to eat or anything....in and out with my order. I can't leave her alone in the car because she is a destroyer and last time I did that she ruined my sunglasses and a pair of pants and the interior of my car. Anyway I was in no mood to heed this old German yelling lady so I just ignored her"you can't bring that animal in here you know,...HEY, no dogs in here, you hear!? " whatever. Not to mention the weirdo homeless look-a-like who asked to pet her....some huge kid in a dirty hoodie and looked hocked up on something. He asked her name and I told him Hanna and he was like "I always find it funny when people give their dogs human names..." shut up you psycho. What constitutes a human name!? He was probably named cody or something and I would tell him that is the name of a hound. Jerk. lol.
I like to bring attention to the random things that happen and that I hear. I was at work and my coworker and I were watching this man on the front lawn with this HUGE pole with a little basket on the end of it...scraping the fungus off the trees and laying it gently on the ground only to put it in his truck after he had collected enough mushroomy things. We thought he might of been working for the government and was testing the trees for contamination or something but he was in a civilian vehicle. So finally we had enough and I asked my coworker to ask him was he was doing....apparently he was collecting this 'elf ear' muchrooms to eat...said they were good eatin if you cooked em properly. lol No thanks. You can have your tree fungus.
Did you hear about the guy that is trying to get out of paying child support because he said he played no part (willing) in the making of the kid and woke up after his girlfriend had been screwing him in his sleep. I dunno- if you ask me, I think the act of ejaculation requires some sort of mental awareness. They say sex is 50% in your mind...so who knows.
In closing. I have been baffled my entire life about how human relationships are created and nurtured and never quite got it. I realize now that I have been giving them too much credit. Relationships are made stronger over such silly things- relating over a book you liked...laughing at a movie together. These little events build foundations of relationships....not just romantic ones, but family relationships. My family and I came closer over a book we passed around between us and discussed it..... I think I am bitter that it was so easy ....how long it lasts, I don't know....but I feel like I wasted a lot of time on the excuse of not knowing how.....

Only White People are Carnies.

So the Markham Fair came and went this weekend. My parents came up and we all went together, me my sister and my parents..one big happy family Reunion surrounded by corn dogs, inflatable unicorns, candy apples and cotton candy....Why go to the fair if you aren't going to eat like crap and buy knock off items from sketchy vendors that tell you that they are giving you a discount because you have a pretty smile. I swear Markham is FULL of asians but I didn't see a single one! It was ALL white people....mostly with beirds.
I am struggling with this Blog thing because it keeps dawning on me that people actually read it (I thought it would just float in cyber space as a secret online diary). So I have all these urges to gossip and say nasty things that I have learned about people....but I have to filter myself on here. So I will talk about a situation and not use any names....ha ha.
If you're a dude and some gorgeous bikini model blonde comes up to you in a class and asks for your notes and so you go with her to the library to help her copy them and during the walk she says "wow you're really smart, would you mind if we got together on some weekend in the library and studied together?" then she proceeds to ask him for his facebook so she can add him. This guy has a girlfriend. He never goes on facebook. He adds this girl and then deletes the newsfeed so his girlfriend won't see. What does that mean? So this guys girlfriend, shows the pictures of this girl to her sister who then says "nip that in the bud, ASAP you need to get rid of that girl, she is definately danger signals all over the place". Is it innocent or is it Danger? He never sees their girlfriend because they are in a long distance relationship. Ok I am sick of talking about this.
Thanksgiving is comming and I need to find some things to be thankful for. I'll get back to you on that.

Stand Beside Me. Not Infront or Behind Me.

I need someone with stability. Someone who I can trust. Someone who I can grow with and not wait for. I can't wait for someone else to be an adult when I feel I am already there. I am over the drunken nights, over fears of cheating, over insecurities that there is a better looking younger woman for him. There will always be a younger better looking women. I need to come to terms with who I am and what I need out of this. They say all you need is love. I think love isn't always enough. You need someone who brings out the best in you. I have seen the worst I am capable of in this relationship. Jealousy, pain, chattered trust, tragedy, bitterness...lashing out. I know I am better then that. They say that you should be happy with a person that fulfills at least 80% of your criteria. I think you should never settle or have to tolerate certain behaviors and attributes. I just want to start my life. I am stalemated here. All of my girlfriends are married, or pregnant or with children, with careers. I need to find happiness. Those people that have suffered the most need happiness more than anyone else. I am going to be selfish and say that it is my time. It is my time to be happy. I need someone to stand beside me, not infront or behind me. Live by words that inspire you.

Don't eat too much or you'll go to jail...

On a side funny note, a woman got fined for eating too much at a KFC yesterday. Ha ha ha, the police claimed she had gone over the 75 minute sitting time in the parking lot, meanwhile the employees had informed them that this woman had eaten 3 large fries, a fourteen piece bucket of chicken and a bunch of other stuff. The woman said she was sickened and insulted by the ticket because of all the business she gave KFC- at least 3 times a week. She'll be back. Gross.

I have this pen at work that has a lid you have to pull off- I have been counting the number of times that people have tried to 'click' the end of it or ask me how it works...is this old fashioned, for pens to have lids? I mean, not all pens are clicky pens....and another thing.. Every time I turn out of the lane way from work into the right lane on a two lane highway, if an Asian person is coming in the left lane, they honk at me, like I were turning in front of them....do Asians not understand the concept of a two lane highway? AHHH. I am not racist, but COME ON! Every time....never once has a white person laid on the horn because I turned into the right lane while they were coming in the left. Ok...this is an angry blog...I will be more positive next time.

On the Right Track...

I just reposted some of my old notes from facebook that got a lot of feedback- I thought, why not give them a try on this new blog..thing...Anyway, I thought I would revert back to diary style for a moment and discuss the newest comings and goings of my daily life.
I headed up a marketing meeting at my work today, with a couple head honchos from the marketing industry- to discuss our new website, promotions, promotional videos for our sales center and our custom homes brochures. The president of the company was there along with his wife. Long story-short, I got a lot of positive feedback for my ideas and am looking forward to being head of our marketing projects. I have a collection of business cards and I think it is a great way to get my foot in the door. I have been considering going to Seneca for Commercial art/Creative Advertising for a couple of years now to get into logo design and the like. So I am starting to explore those interests. The only thing left is to start saving money to go back to school..which can be hard when people take $500 dollars our of your account because you are a victim of bank fraud from a skimming operation- yes, that's right- my life sucks. Another shitty thing is the fact that I bought a straightener off e-bay for $150 bucks and it stopped working the second time I used it and now the sellers are claiming there is no warranty on the item...we will see where that goes...I will bitch and moan until I either get my money back or they send me a new one. Anyway, I have been really tired this week. This weekend is the Markham fair and my parents are coming up to hang out...should be a nice low key weekend. So I need my rest- until next time...

Misplaced confidence and the hotness factor.

Over this past year of my life I have come to realize that there is truly a social order in the way things play themselves out in social situations- most prominantly at the bar. In fact I have developed some theories and termonology to support these findings. I like to call 'The Hotness Factor' the order in which people are free to move about the bar, get first dibs for dance space and a way to predict scuffles if and when people ignore The Hotness Factor.
Let me explain:You are in the bar and you are trying to shoulder your way through acrowd when the hottest girl you have ever seen is trying to do the same thing and you unwittingly yeild to let her pass and watch her and her equally good looking friends move to the center of the dance floor where it is busiest and yet there seems to be a space opening up for them...THIS is the hotness factor. Both male and female must yeild space and movement and even their pickup goal (being a person they have eyed all night) to the person of the same or opposite sex who is better looking. When people don't follow these rules fights break out....these beautiful people recognize it as their right to pass and if you don't let them, you get shouldered and nudged until tempers flare. Secondly there seems to be a unwritten and unsaid ranking of people who shouldn't or cannot move out of their rank when trying to go for their pickup 'goal' for the night. For instance you NEVER see the dogfaced girl going for the hottest guy in the bar- THAT would be misplaced confidence and she will either be laughed at, humoured for a short period of time, or shot down immediately. Bars and similar institutions don't care about how charming or funny people are...it is visual ranking (mainly because the music makes it too diffucult to have a real conversation).
To test my own theories (which I have been developing for years) I have breached norms. My last excursion to the bar I approached a top ranking guy- probably the hottest guy in the bar. Now I am no dog faced girl, but I know I am not a top ranking female- and after a very short and awkward conversation, this guy left to go dancing- humouring me with a "hey, if you see me on the dancefloor, grab me and we'll have a dance"....Similarily, in my younger years (and in peterborough where top rankers are more of a rarity) I exsisted amongst the best of the top ranks and often test then hotness factor when moving about the bar....to the point where girls would grab their girlfriends and pull them out of our way if they saw us comming...even bar lineups were yeilded to the best. Much of this happens unconciously- our reactions and presupositions to what is going on around us...There are the odd people who don't understand or maybe blately disregard this order, but they tend to get pegged as weirdos or creepers (that gross guy who always tries and dances up on the best lookin girl at the bar) or (that girl in trappers who looks like she's on crack dancing on the speakers making eyes at everyone she sees). Anyway, next time you go to the bar- look for some of these orders and factors....and maybe help me develope them further (or feel free to argue)....but maybe I will write a book if I do enough 'case studies' ;)

When the grass is greener on the other side...

For those of you who have already met your one true love, that person you know you're bound to end up with, stop reading now, because I would hate to put any doubt in your mind. I think of these doubts as moths. Every thought is a moth biting a hole in your reserve. Every thought resembling (what if there is someone better?) or (does this person fulfill all my needs?) is a moth making a hole out of you, until the foundation of a relationship crumbles like an old shawl....that had been eaten by moths...like the ones in the attic in a trunk....oh god, whatever. I think relationships are like food...you have to try and experience things to find out what you like, all the tastes and textures. Anyone can say "hotdogs are my favorite food" if all they have ever eaten was hotdogs. Some people are completely satisfied with hotdogs and will never blink an eye in any other direction and go on enjoying them forever. This is rare. First loves, first boyfriends and girfriends despite what orientation you are -are like that hotdog....tastes good...but is it the best? I would say I have a well rounded Pallet and pretty well know what I am looking for in a relationship by now- I have eaten the hotdogs, caviar- even some dog food. The new complication arising is when you find someone that meets most of your delicious criteria, that thought is still there- Is there somewhere greener? is there something or someone that fits me better? WHEN DO YOU STOP THINKING HOW GREEN THE GRASS IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT FENCE AND BIULD A GODDAM HOUSE ON YOUR SIDE!!!!and even if you decide you are content enough with what you have and to give it your all , commit all your energy to it, how do you know your partner doesn't have those moths flying around their own heads- how do you know they aren't still tryng to peek over that white picket fence. It all comes down to confidence and trust and fate I guess. What will be will be...rarely are two people at the very same stage in a relationship. I may be willing to start building my fucking house and my partner may be stealing a board and rock to catapult himself over the fence.....that all made sense in my brain...imagery and all...I dunno. So I guess the only thing two people in a relationship CAN do is burn citronella candles....lol in other words....get rid of the moths...stop the doubting thoughts, stop thinking there is a better food, or greener grass, or a more suited partner for themselves or the person they love. It's the thoughts that break down the foundation of relationships.....because the truth is..most people won't find a big enough board and rock to launch themselves over the fence anyway....and besides....someone would have to jump on one side to help do the catapulting....And if you're willing to help launch your partner...then it was never meant to be anyway. I apologize for all my muddled analogies, but they make so much sense to me.

I don't want to grow up...

It’s raining hard outside. I have two sun lights above me at work and I can see the gloom. I actually have a really pretty view of the street because the doors in front of my desk are glass with big panel windows on each side. They say that work satisfaction is highly correlated with how much natural light you are exposed to. I suppose that means I should be skipping out the door in the mornings. I have the heater on under my desk. It’s pretty sad that when the only thing really getting you through your days is the crappy lineup of television on when you get home from work. No wonder I have been so unmotivated to get off my ass and be active. At 5:30 it’s TLC’s What Not to Wear and at 6:00 Judge Judy- followed by a long trail of junkfood tv like the Hills and 90210 and so you think you can dance and House....every night is something new. I am pathetic.
I have no real social life here. Graduating University(Guelph) is depressing because you all of a sudden lose contact with your friends that are still in school and too preoccupied to deal with you...and then you have to get a job, pay your bills, become independent- essentially...a grown up. Never Neverland here I come. The only person my age in Markham (that isn't Asian I might add- not that I have anything against that.....nevermind) lives next door. Basically she is my twin...like looking in the mirror when I get home from work and we both get out of our cars and dig around in our purses for our keys. Same blond hair, same chunky black glasses- same build...same round face with a defined jaw....weird. I imagine myself walking up to her and going 'Hi, I am Jamie, wanna come over and play?' I can't seem to imagine an adult way of making friends without being vulnerable and feeling childish. How does a person meet young people when you aren't into going on some dating website, aren't in school, and have a job where you are literally the youngest person for miles and miles. I attempted looking at clubs and courses offered by the city...like the running room...but the truth is, I hate exercising with other people, I consider it a private affair to get all red faced and moist. Then I looked into book clubs....none. Art classes? too expensive. Art clubs- offered during working hours, because we all know artists don't have day jobs ha ha. Lastly I looked at choirs....the only choir in Markham was filled with Blue hairs....i would stick out like a sore thumb. So I am back to square one....my only social interaction is walking a 6 month old puppy in the park and chatting up the soccer moms watching their kids play on the swings. I do go to the off leash park and was starting to make some acquaintances- but then my dog got Kennel Cough - no dog park for three weeks- figures, my life is a sitcom....seriously...if you stay posted you will find out....

Toilets with Urinals.

This is my very first BLOG. I am a little nervous. I have to imagine what it will be like to have what is essentially a 'diary' on the Internet for people to read and make judgements on. I signed up for it right? Here is my rationalization. I am living in Markham with my older sister, no social life- my best friend is a dog. So I need to feel connected to the outside world in whatever way I can...my daily interaction with people is talking to tradesmen that come into my office....well it is more like a lobby....a floating desk in a lobby. I work for a medium sized builder in Markham- we make condos and commercial realistate. The bottom line is that when people come into my office, it isn't a good thing. Lets just say that it is a true rarity that a buyer will come in and praise the construction process and thank you for building their home....or that a contractor will thank you for employing them and tell you what a pleasure it has been. It is always 'where's my money" or "you people can't keep extending us like this- we want compensation". So this blog is going to be my outlet...my daily dose of crap. Love it.
Today on the news they said that they passed a bylaw in England to support gay and transsexual people- there are no longer little stick women with skirts on washroom doors - bathrooms are to be labelled 'toilets' and 'toilets with urinals'. I thought that was interesting. That is all for now...I have a headache and need to brew some more to spew.