The mystery of Human relationships.

I sorta abandoned my blog for a while. I got some negative feedback and it made me consider deleting it but I decided that it wouldn't be in my best interests because there are so many things I want to share and delve into (insightfully) that deleting my only outlet (currently) would be bad. So the update is that I am puppy sitting this weekend. Hanna was just fixed and so she needs to be monitored so that she doesn't bite out her stitches. I took her with me to get my dinner yesterday and walked her through this sketchy little strip mall by the house to pick up my order. Literally in and out and some old lady working at some totally random hotdog and hamburger crap stand started yelling at me for bringing her in, even though I was no where near any food places and wasn't sitting in to eat or anything....in and out with my order. I can't leave her alone in the car because she is a destroyer and last time I did that she ruined my sunglasses and a pair of pants and the interior of my car. Anyway I was in no mood to heed this old German yelling lady so I just ignored her"you can't bring that animal in here you know,...HEY, no dogs in here, you hear!? " whatever. Not to mention the weirdo homeless look-a-like who asked to pet her....some huge kid in a dirty hoodie and looked hocked up on something. He asked her name and I told him Hanna and he was like "I always find it funny when people give their dogs human names..." shut up you psycho. What constitutes a human name!? He was probably named cody or something and I would tell him that is the name of a hound. Jerk. lol.
I like to bring attention to the random things that happen and that I hear. I was at work and my coworker and I were watching this man on the front lawn with this HUGE pole with a little basket on the end of it...scraping the fungus off the trees and laying it gently on the ground only to put it in his truck after he had collected enough mushroomy things. We thought he might of been working for the government and was testing the trees for contamination or something but he was in a civilian vehicle. So finally we had enough and I asked my coworker to ask him was he was doing....apparently he was collecting this 'elf ear' muchrooms to eat...said they were good eatin if you cooked em properly. lol No thanks. You can have your tree fungus.
Did you hear about the guy that is trying to get out of paying child support because he said he played no part (willing) in the making of the kid and woke up after his girlfriend had been screwing him in his sleep. I dunno- if you ask me, I think the act of ejaculation requires some sort of mental awareness. They say sex is 50% in your mind...so who knows.
In closing. I have been baffled my entire life about how human relationships are created and nurtured and never quite got it. I realize now that I have been giving them too much credit. Relationships are made stronger over such silly things- relating over a book you liked...laughing at a movie together. These little events build foundations of relationships....not just romantic ones, but family relationships. My family and I came closer over a book we passed around between us and discussed it..... I think I am bitter that it was so easy ....how long it lasts, I don't know....but I feel like I wasted a lot of time on the excuse of not knowing how.....

Only White People are Carnies.

So the Markham Fair came and went this weekend. My parents came up and we all went together, me my sister and my parents..one big happy family Reunion surrounded by corn dogs, inflatable unicorns, candy apples and cotton candy....Why go to the fair if you aren't going to eat like crap and buy knock off items from sketchy vendors that tell you that they are giving you a discount because you have a pretty smile. I swear Markham is FULL of asians but I didn't see a single one! It was ALL white people....mostly with beirds.
I am struggling with this Blog thing because it keeps dawning on me that people actually read it (I thought it would just float in cyber space as a secret online diary). So I have all these urges to gossip and say nasty things that I have learned about people....but I have to filter myself on here. So I will talk about a situation and not use any names....ha ha.
If you're a dude and some gorgeous bikini model blonde comes up to you in a class and asks for your notes and so you go with her to the library to help her copy them and during the walk she says "wow you're really smart, would you mind if we got together on some weekend in the library and studied together?" then she proceeds to ask him for his facebook so she can add him. This guy has a girlfriend. He never goes on facebook. He adds this girl and then deletes the newsfeed so his girlfriend won't see. What does that mean? So this guys girlfriend, shows the pictures of this girl to her sister who then says "nip that in the bud, ASAP you need to get rid of that girl, she is definately danger signals all over the place". Is it innocent or is it Danger? He never sees their girlfriend because they are in a long distance relationship. Ok I am sick of talking about this.
Thanksgiving is comming and I need to find some things to be thankful for. I'll get back to you on that.

Stand Beside Me. Not Infront or Behind Me.

I need someone with stability. Someone who I can trust. Someone who I can grow with and not wait for. I can't wait for someone else to be an adult when I feel I am already there. I am over the drunken nights, over fears of cheating, over insecurities that there is a better looking younger woman for him. There will always be a younger better looking women. I need to come to terms with who I am and what I need out of this. They say all you need is love. I think love isn't always enough. You need someone who brings out the best in you. I have seen the worst I am capable of in this relationship. Jealousy, pain, chattered trust, tragedy, bitterness...lashing out. I know I am better then that. They say that you should be happy with a person that fulfills at least 80% of your criteria. I think you should never settle or have to tolerate certain behaviors and attributes. I just want to start my life. I am stalemated here. All of my girlfriends are married, or pregnant or with children, with careers. I need to find happiness. Those people that have suffered the most need happiness more than anyone else. I am going to be selfish and say that it is my time. It is my time to be happy. I need someone to stand beside me, not infront or behind me. Live by words that inspire you.

Don't eat too much or you'll go to jail...

On a side funny note, a woman got fined for eating too much at a KFC yesterday. Ha ha ha, the police claimed she had gone over the 75 minute sitting time in the parking lot, meanwhile the employees had informed them that this woman had eaten 3 large fries, a fourteen piece bucket of chicken and a bunch of other stuff. The woman said she was sickened and insulted by the ticket because of all the business she gave KFC- at least 3 times a week. She'll be back. Gross.

I have this pen at work that has a lid you have to pull off- I have been counting the number of times that people have tried to 'click' the end of it or ask me how it works...is this old fashioned, for pens to have lids? I mean, not all pens are clicky pens....and another thing.. Every time I turn out of the lane way from work into the right lane on a two lane highway, if an Asian person is coming in the left lane, they honk at me, like I were turning in front of them....do Asians not understand the concept of a two lane highway? AHHH. I am not racist, but COME ON! Every time....never once has a white person laid on the horn because I turned into the right lane while they were coming in the left. Ok...this is an angry blog...I will be more positive next time.

On the Right Track...

I just reposted some of my old notes from facebook that got a lot of feedback- I thought, why not give them a try on this new blog..thing...Anyway, I thought I would revert back to diary style for a moment and discuss the newest comings and goings of my daily life.
I headed up a marketing meeting at my work today, with a couple head honchos from the marketing industry- to discuss our new website, promotions, promotional videos for our sales center and our custom homes brochures. The president of the company was there along with his wife. Long story-short, I got a lot of positive feedback for my ideas and am looking forward to being head of our marketing projects. I have a collection of business cards and I think it is a great way to get my foot in the door. I have been considering going to Seneca for Commercial art/Creative Advertising for a couple of years now to get into logo design and the like. So I am starting to explore those interests. The only thing left is to start saving money to go back to school..which can be hard when people take $500 dollars our of your account because you are a victim of bank fraud from a skimming operation- yes, that's right- my life sucks. Another shitty thing is the fact that I bought a straightener off e-bay for $150 bucks and it stopped working the second time I used it and now the sellers are claiming there is no warranty on the item...we will see where that goes...I will bitch and moan until I either get my money back or they send me a new one. Anyway, I have been really tired this week. This weekend is the Markham fair and my parents are coming up to hang out...should be a nice low key weekend. So I need my rest- until next time...

Misplaced confidence and the hotness factor.

Over this past year of my life I have come to realize that there is truly a social order in the way things play themselves out in social situations- most prominantly at the bar. In fact I have developed some theories and termonology to support these findings. I like to call 'The Hotness Factor' the order in which people are free to move about the bar, get first dibs for dance space and a way to predict scuffles if and when people ignore The Hotness Factor.
Let me explain:You are in the bar and you are trying to shoulder your way through acrowd when the hottest girl you have ever seen is trying to do the same thing and you unwittingly yeild to let her pass and watch her and her equally good looking friends move to the center of the dance floor where it is busiest and yet there seems to be a space opening up for them...THIS is the hotness factor. Both male and female must yeild space and movement and even their pickup goal (being a person they have eyed all night) to the person of the same or opposite sex who is better looking. When people don't follow these rules fights break out....these beautiful people recognize it as their right to pass and if you don't let them, you get shouldered and nudged until tempers flare. Secondly there seems to be a unwritten and unsaid ranking of people who shouldn't or cannot move out of their rank when trying to go for their pickup 'goal' for the night. For instance you NEVER see the dogfaced girl going for the hottest guy in the bar- THAT would be misplaced confidence and she will either be laughed at, humoured for a short period of time, or shot down immediately. Bars and similar institutions don't care about how charming or funny people are...it is visual ranking (mainly because the music makes it too diffucult to have a real conversation).
To test my own theories (which I have been developing for years) I have breached norms. My last excursion to the bar I approached a top ranking guy- probably the hottest guy in the bar. Now I am no dog faced girl, but I know I am not a top ranking female- and after a very short and awkward conversation, this guy left to go dancing- humouring me with a "hey, if you see me on the dancefloor, grab me and we'll have a dance"....Similarily, in my younger years (and in peterborough where top rankers are more of a rarity) I exsisted amongst the best of the top ranks and often test then hotness factor when moving about the bar....to the point where girls would grab their girlfriends and pull them out of our way if they saw us comming...even bar lineups were yeilded to the best. Much of this happens unconciously- our reactions and presupositions to what is going on around us...There are the odd people who don't understand or maybe blately disregard this order, but they tend to get pegged as weirdos or creepers (that gross guy who always tries and dances up on the best lookin girl at the bar) or (that girl in trappers who looks like she's on crack dancing on the speakers making eyes at everyone she sees). Anyway, next time you go to the bar- look for some of these orders and factors....and maybe help me develope them further (or feel free to argue)....but maybe I will write a book if I do enough 'case studies' ;)

When the grass is greener on the other side...

For those of you who have already met your one true love, that person you know you're bound to end up with, stop reading now, because I would hate to put any doubt in your mind. I think of these doubts as moths. Every thought is a moth biting a hole in your reserve. Every thought resembling (what if there is someone better?) or (does this person fulfill all my needs?) is a moth making a hole out of you, until the foundation of a relationship crumbles like an old shawl....that had been eaten by moths...like the ones in the attic in a trunk....oh god, whatever. I think relationships are like food...you have to try and experience things to find out what you like, all the tastes and textures. Anyone can say "hotdogs are my favorite food" if all they have ever eaten was hotdogs. Some people are completely satisfied with hotdogs and will never blink an eye in any other direction and go on enjoying them forever. This is rare. First loves, first boyfriends and girfriends despite what orientation you are -are like that hotdog....tastes good...but is it the best? I would say I have a well rounded Pallet and pretty well know what I am looking for in a relationship by now- I have eaten the hotdogs, caviar- even some dog food. The new complication arising is when you find someone that meets most of your delicious criteria, that thought is still there- Is there somewhere greener? is there something or someone that fits me better? WHEN DO YOU STOP THINKING HOW GREEN THE GRASS IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT FENCE AND BIULD A GODDAM HOUSE ON YOUR SIDE!!!!and even if you decide you are content enough with what you have and to give it your all , commit all your energy to it, how do you know your partner doesn't have those moths flying around their own heads- how do you know they aren't still tryng to peek over that white picket fence. It all comes down to confidence and trust and fate I guess. What will be will be...rarely are two people at the very same stage in a relationship. I may be willing to start building my fucking house and my partner may be stealing a board and rock to catapult himself over the fence.....that all made sense in my brain...imagery and all...I dunno. So I guess the only thing two people in a relationship CAN do is burn citronella candles....lol in other words....get rid of the moths...stop the doubting thoughts, stop thinking there is a better food, or greener grass, or a more suited partner for themselves or the person they love. It's the thoughts that break down the foundation of relationships.....because the truth is..most people won't find a big enough board and rock to launch themselves over the fence anyway....and besides....someone would have to jump on one side to help do the catapulting....And if you're willing to help launch your partner...then it was never meant to be anyway. I apologize for all my muddled analogies, but they make so much sense to me.