Your Own Estimation...

I am probably a bit of a ditz and maybe a bit of a clutz, but I have never considered myself stupid. You know those people that just make you feel like a dummy? Or an underachiever? I’ve known a few. On my facebook page it says “think highly of yourself. The world takes you at your own estimation.” That is really true. A confident woman is a beautiful woman. But where is the line for cockiness- which makes you ugly, even if you ARE attractive? And when is discussing your achievements in bad taste? Maybe when it is apparent that you, YOURSELF, think your achievements go beyond that of other people. I’ve known a few of those too.

All my bragging rights have limitations. Do you include those when you discuss them? Here goes: In high school I had the second highest GPA for 3 years running. The girl with the highest was a reeeaal keener. I couldn’t compete, but I enjoy a healthy dose of competition.

In University I made the Deens list two years running- but just by the skin of my teeth. In Elementary School I created the school mascot (Chemong Dragons) which is still on their wall today. Unfortunately I sold out, for $300.00 and they bought the right to it and mass produced it in every way imaginable. I would be famous at that school if I had received some good advice about copyrighting my work. I consider myself to be a good employee. I have been hired after every (real) interview I have had. I work hard to get my work done, but I need a dose of colour in my day that comes in the form of Solitaire (it used to be facebook, but the site is banned by my current employer). I have been fired once and been laid off once and resigned twice (to relocate).

If you have ever been fired, it is the worst feeling in the world. It took me two years to get over it and leave my bitterness on the doorstep on my way to work each morning. I can gladly and honestly say that my being fired was for false reasons (if you have ever had a crooked employer, you know what I mean when I say I was bitter) but I was too exhausted by the drama to fight it and take it to the next step- whatever that might have been-human rights or something. One of my best qualities is my sense of justice. I hate when things aren’t Just. Like when people are set up, or mistreated without cause. I have a feminist streak, but that is only because of some of the injustice that is attached to issues of feminism. I hate that woman still make less than men for doing the same job. Luckily I have a job that stops crooked doctors in their tracks. So I get my dose of Justice from that. Before this, it was from doing police dispatching. No bragging rights there. It was hard work. Lots to learn and even more to tolerate. You get a real sense about people when you work in a place like that. You might learn to hate them or maybe even pitty them. I saw a counselor while I worked there. One of the best decisions I could have made. Pride on the backburner and while keeping up with police confidentiality, it helped me get through the day. Long days. 12 hour shifts and then I would go home and sleep in house with strangers that had no regard for me. Loud music while I slept.

What I am NOT proud of was how I scammed my way through university. Granted, I went to Guelph, but I found school too easy. So easy, in fact, that I found a way to get out of most assignment and exams and…work, while still maintaining a mid 80 average. I have trouble fully applying myself to things that don’t challenge me. I wish I was driven enough to work full steam through those four years, imagine what I could have accomplished. But as it stands I have a BA sitting in my desk drawer at home, that isn’t really a real representation of what I am capable of. And let’s be honest, if I decided to say I have a 4 year honours degree in microbiology with a minor in economics on my resume- would anyone really question it? They might ask ME questions, but I know enough about those fields to bullshit my way through the lie. No, I have never done that, but I have been tempted.

I would say I am generally ‘slightly above average’ in every way. You name it….I got it….slightly above average ha ha. Smarts? Yup! Looks? Yup! Size? Yup! Skilz? Damn straight! At least I am not putting on any airs. I have no allusions about who I am or what my limitations (& Strengths) are. I have a temper and tend to lash out. I hold grudges. At times, my self esteem sucks. I have a jealous streak. I shut down when I have to do math. I am easy distracted by bright or sparkly things. I become obsessively loyal with friends and it always backfires. I deny emotional responses to things. BUT--- and the big but in all this is- love who you are! The grass is always greener on the other side, but that goes for everyone. If you traded places with someone else, you might gain a good attribute or two, but there is no telling what you might lose. Don’t risk it.

All for now loyal blog readers. Tell yourself something nice everyday- if you can’t do it- don’t expect someone else to.

Bye Bye Sushi!

My fish died. Now, don’t take this lightly because Sushi (that was his name-note the pun) was almost 5 years old. He was my first real pet and the first living thing that Stuart and I looked after together. He was so pretty-Aqua coloured. I did some reading and I guess 5 years is about as long as they live….the absolute MAX. Then it said that they prefer bigger tanks to little ones…Oops. I had him in such a tiny little bowl. Maybe I will upgrade his bowl when I get to wall mart and buy another fish tonight. That’s right- a replacement! I will call him- SASHIMI!

Did you know that Wal-Mart no longer carries fish? Ya! Damn, now where am I gonna get a fish? Some pet food places carry them but they are always in little cups and look faded and sick.

On another animal note- did you hear the one about the Husky eating the baby? No joke. In Montreal a month old baby was asleep in a car seat and the 17 year old mother stepped out for a smoke (I know, a real winner right?) and at the time there were two huskies wandering the house that belonged to a house guest. While she was outside the male husky mauled the baby to death. They are charging the mother with Man slaughter. I would think it would be more along the lines of criminal negligence causing death but no- they wanted to hit her where it hurts. Never mind the fact that she just lost her baby. Some are saying that the 17 year old isn’t that upset. The baby was too new and she didn’t want it anyway. Talk about divine intervention eh?

So my new car is finally here. I am officially going to be driving a 2010 Toyota Corolla….with roll up windows. It was almost a deal breaker. I didn’t even know they HAD roll up windows anymore. I would have even traded my power locks for power windows. I have a Sub Woofer, but it sucks all the cool out of it when you have to roll down your windows so people can hear your ‘sick bass’.

So my mom had skin cancer removed off her nose. It is a fairly straight forward procedure, but the aftermath can be slightly disturbing. They cut out all the cancerous cells and replace them with skin from your neck or face and cartilage from your ear. They stuff your hole with gauze for a week or so and then you have a small circle of Frankenstein skin for two months until your body accepts or rejects it. If you are lucky there is no scarring. Needless to say, my mom has quarantined herself away from the public eye, but I am hoping that won’t extend to our cottage weekends. I need summer sun! And no one cooks better summer meals than my Mamma!
On a random note- the worst thing about being ‘après wedding’ is having to take off your fake nails. Your real nails underneath are always thin and scratchy and they peel and fold and it is like that for WEEKS until they replenish themselves. Every time I take them off I swear to myself I will never get them again, but here I am.

That’s all for now, loyal blog readers- GO SPAIN!

Looking Better=Feeling Worse

So it’s finally over. Talk about an anti-climax. You spend a whole year planning and worrying over every detail of a wedding and it is over in a flash. If there was ever a wedding to be proud of though, it would be my sister’s. Even the smallest details added to the overall feel and flair of the wedding. From specially colour coordinated place cards and menus, to a candy theme consistently running though the reception. My sister thought of everything and nothing was missed.

Jordana wanted nothing but an outdoor ceremony and when it started to rain the day of the wedding, we all started to get the jitters. It poured ALL DAY and we started getting ready for plan B….which would have been to have the ceremony in the reception hall and move all the tables out of the way and then back for dinner. It would have been messy and disorganized, but thankfully it stopped raining 25 minutes before the ceremony was due to start. Dad was filled with Pride as he walked my sister down the aisle and I held back tears while my sister and (now brother-in-law) said their vows. The ONLY issue was the officiant. Humanist officiants (who are willing to perform marriage ceremonies without religion) are rare and are especially hard to find in the Kawartha region.

To say the least, my sister settled for an old retired couple from the area that had given her attitude from the very beginning. So on the day of, it was no surprise to me that he gave me attitude as well. The only issue was that it was IN FRONT of 100 guests!!! Here we all were standing up at the front of the alter, waiting for my sister to walk down the aisle and I can see her, linked arms with my father, waiting for everyone to rise so she can start the march. I look at the officiant and he is lazily looking at the crowd saying NOTHING. People start to get ancy and look around and to each other to see what they should do. I look at the wedding party and everyone is starting to look panicked and unsure. I see my sister and my dad shuffling back and fourth, unsure if they should start to walk. I look to the bridesmaids and I ask quietly if I should give the cue and I get a curt nod telling me that SOMEONE SHOULD. So I say “Could everyone please rise for the Bride”. Immediately relieved, everyone stands and turns to receive her as she begins the walk with my Dad. The DICK HOLE of an officiant turns to me and announces loudly- “Hey! That was my line- do you wanna do my job as well?” I swear it echoed over everyone’s head. I am shocked, but angry enough to reply with “someone should!”

Luckily, my sister escaped the drama and her grand entrance took everyone’s eyes from my heated face. She was absolutely glowing! And thanks to her lovely makeup and hair person who made us perdy! (I tried to do my own hair, but that absolutely backfired and she saved the day- with hardly a minute to spare).

So the ceremony was beautiful- never mind the fact that the DICK HOLE had a slight lisp and never took his eyes off the paper in his hand and barked orders to the bridesmaids about taking Jordana’s flowers and straightening her train and signing the documents. I had every intention of kicking him out after the ceremony. NO WAY were we going to invite him to dinner or cocktails. But the man essentially ran from us the moment he was done. With barely a murmured thanks, he was gone and GOOD RIDDANCE. The worst situation after a wedding is to lose the marriage documents. Well the DICKHOLE, before leaving, had handed them off to who he THOUGHT was the mother of the bride, but turned out to be our cousin, who later handed me the documents, unsure why she got them. Thank god he didn’t hand them to a quirkier guest who might have kept them as a memento. Ha ha.

I originally had reservations about being maid of honour. Since my recent weight gain, I have avoided photos fervently. I knew that being in the wedding party would mean a formal wedding shoot and that is my biggest fear. I told myself I would avoid as many informal snapshots as possible, while smiling as true as possible in front of the professional photographer. Any photos I smiled for I asked- “please don’t put it on the internet- I don’t like being in photos.” Most people smiled and nodded, but every day I check facebook with apprehension waiting to see myself. I haven’t been disappointed.

When you see yourself in photos, it is a true slap in the face. Most people can’t TRULY see themselves when they look in the mirror. We see ourselves every day and weight gain can seem subtle. But in photos (which are mostly unforgiving anyway) you cannot escape the image by shifting or smiling….What you really look like to others is plastered there. If you ever lose weight and look back at the photos, you will feel humiliated because you let yourself be that way. If you don’t lose weight, you will still just hate seeing the photos because it will be a constant reminder of the way you wish you didn’t look on your sister’s wedding day. It can ruin a PERFECTLY GOOD DAY! So I chose NOT TO LOOK. So stop forcing me by tagging me in an awful shot or posting a particularly humiliating view of my dancing in shiny orange taffeta. My boyfriend can attest to the fact that I watch the screen and my face will drop and I won’t want to do much of anything for the rest of the day. There is no other mood killer, like seeing yourself look like a gorilla in what you thought was a pretty dress and hairstyle.

ALSO- Just a note to all those people who have NEVER had a weight problem- NEVER COMPLIMENT people on ‘looking better’ or ‘looking so good and healthy compared to before” after losing pounds. It is a backwards compliment. You are saying ‘you look better than you did when you were fat’ and it is just like bashing the boyfriend after the breakup- it’s dangerous because they can always come back!

Telling people they are making great progress is perfectly acceptable…but don’t place a judgment on it. Even at our heaviest, we still want to feel attractive and don’t want to be told we were living a lie after the fact. I have even been told “wow Jamie, you have lost so many sizes. You were big before, but now you are tiny!” …don’t say that. It makes us hate you….ha ha
There should be NO better or worse attached to weight….it is just a ‘different look’….no better…no worse. Health should be the only place where ‘better’ can be applied, but I will say that even at my heaviest, I was still strong, could still run and considered myself in better shape than most of my thin friends. My health is not the issue.

So just a heads up for those who think they are doing us a favour….you’re not. Anyway- I sound entirely too bitter for a post wedding blog. It is summer time and Canada Day! Let’s be patriotic and wear our red and whites. See you at the cottage!