The Zombie Apocalypse and Me.

Random Thought of the Day:

I measure the value of my clothing by how useful they would be if a zombie apocalypse happened while I was wearing them. For instance, are they easy to run in? Would they keep me warm if I had to sleep outside? Would they last a long time if I wasn’t able to change them for several days or weeks? Are the shoes warm and not too high heeled? I mean, I love wearing heels, but I feel like I am risking my life every time I wear a pair to work.

So I have plans to go to Punta Cana at the end of March with my family and …man. I hate the word partner! Partner sound too politically correct and unfortunately, gives the impression that I might be referring to my ‘girlfriend’. But ‘boyfriend’ feels too juvenile and has never really sat well with me. He is not a ‘boy’ and is no longer my ‘friend’, (but something much more intimate) and should not be referred to as such. I would rather deny having a ‘boyfriend’ than have to use the term (which has gotten me in to trouble in the past). It just reminds me of a boy or girl on the school yard, going up to someone and asking them to be their boy/girlfriend. Husband is a term that definitely jumps the gun, so it isn’t suitable either. They really need to find a term between boyfriend and husband that marks a relationship as (possibly) common law, or serious, or long term. A middle ground.

Anyway, my thoughts are wandering. So warm climates and real tans and fresh fruit and beach volleyball. These are the thoughts that are getting me through the cold winter months. I have been tanning at least twice a week, to keep myself safe in the harsh tropical sunlight. I have been regularly working out so that I am not completely humiliated in a bathing suit. AND I have been shopping for cute little summer pieces and tankinis. You can imagine how difficult it is to find summer clothes in the dead of winter.

My parents just upgraded some of their electronics and somehow in the process, Stuart and I ended up with a new x-box and surround sound. I am not going to complain about 6 speakers around my living room, but I will admit, I was hesitant to take my dad’s barely used game system. I was worried Stuart would spend his days and nights playing NHL hockey and Call of Duty. But in reality, we found a new use for the game console- NETFLIKS!!! We spend our days and nights watching movies and TV online. Netfliks doesn’t have the greatest selection, but it certainly is entertaining. Now I am worried that we are going to go over our allotted Internet usage.

Mood:
Off. Ever have one of those days when you just don’t feel like yourself?

Thing I am angry about:
Having my credit card denied at a gas station and having the attendant announce it over the loud speaker! Who does that!?

Thing I am anxious about:
My car needs all the locks replaced because someone broke into it with a screw driver. Now I need new keys, new locks on driver door and trunk, and to rekey the ignition cylinder. I hate Toronto.

Thing I am excited about:
My friend’s Alex and Kelsey just had a baby girl, Molly! I can’t wait to see her.

Last great experience:
My sister’s birthday bash! We went to Bier Markt and a club called ‘Dolce’ and there were go-go dancers wearing almost nothing, dancing on big speakers.

Anyway, I like these little headers- they are succinct and to the point. Maybe my next blog will just be these little one liners, they read more like my diary than a blog. Until next time, loyal blog readers.

The Sinister Book of Face.

I watched Social Network on the weekend and it was a surprisingly suspenseful movie, even though it is a boring plot if you think about it. A kid designs a computer program and his friends sue him. The movie also renewed my interest in Facebook. When I log on to the site, I can’t help but think that when I started my profile in 2003 (or something) that the site has come a LONG way and that the original design wasn’t much more than a couple text boxes with information in it. Now, a company valued at 25 BILLION DOLLARS, you have to imagine the team of heavy thinkers trying to redesign and reorganize the site for ease of use and to suit all our needs. I remember when the photo albums only held 60 photos. Or when the first games came out, or fan pages for our interests. Now the site is so complicated, I barely know how to use it. There are applications and event screens (and to be honest, I can barely figure out how to view my events) there are videos and new layouts and everyone has access, not just Universities (which was what I originally liked about it). A long time ago I felt comfortable getting my older family members into the site because I knew it was so self explanatory that they would easily be able to create and maintain a profile. Now, I can barely do that. AND the biggest thing that grinds my gears is that Facebook is now FULL of JUNK advertizing. Teeth whitening and weight loss pills, cheap designer purses and cosmetic surgery. So much for the ‘cool ad-free website’ that they fought so hard for in the movie. Now, if your curser slides off your profile, you risk starting a never ending pop-up disaster, telling you to be better looking. And they say BILLBOARDS and commercials are a bad influence on our youth.

Could Facebook be a passing fad though? I mean, since it came on the market in 2003-2004 I know more and more people that are choosing to close their profiles or make their privacy settings so strict that no one could find their ‘face in the book’ anyway. Even I did a comb through of my contacts and removed everyone I hadn’t physically talked to in at least a year. A person isn’t a friend if you wouldn’t recognize them in a crowd or feel comfortable enough to walk up and say hello. So I went from almost 500 friends, down to a little less than 200. So in honour of my cleaning out the sculls in my facebook (HA!) I have written a small poem to commemorate this grandiose occasion:

I have 500 friends on Facebook,
But no real friends at all,
But I like to see their photos
Splashed across their wall.

They say the only way to mend
Is to pick up the phone and call
But when I checked my cell phone
I had no numbers at all

So write a letter, knock on a door
Make an honest try
So that when you’re all alone at night
You friend list won’t be a lie.

Thank you! Thank you…you are far too kind! Now for a quick game of ketchup…or catch up. Christmas is over, boo hoo. My apartment feels so much less sparkly and vibrant. Oh well, my new 50 inch TV will have to break up the monotony of everyday life. That’s gloating, by the way. Hey! I am allowed because I sacrificed at LEAST 3-4 Christmas gifts for that TV. Not to mention, the IKEA nightmare of having to build a TV stand and not realizing we has screwed it up until we were putting on the VERY last piece and there was a hole missing….and no, it wasn’t fixable…just imagine nails and screws holding the thing together that were stripped and in the wrong places….just a disaster! Anyway, we took it back and it was a terrible sob story. I appealed to the better nature of the IKEA manager and they gave us a new one. Five hours later, it was built and I was happy, but exhausted and tripping out on caffeine.

Thing I am MOST looking forward to:
Going to Punta Cana in the last week of March with Jordana, Steve and Stuart

Thing I am most angry about:
Someone tried to break into my car with a screwdriver and WRECKED my locks. Now I need all new keys and lock mechanisms. I hate Toronto.

Thing I am most grateful for:
My E-Reader! That thing has kept me company on many-a-long afternoon and I can get books without driving ANYWHERE!

Thing I am LEAST grateful for:
New Neighbours. Don’t attempt to befriend the young couple that just moved in next door by telling them they left their keys in the door, or they will come to the door in a robe (after obviously being interrupted) and they won’t tell you their names and they will slam the door in your face.

Anyway, until next time loyal blog readers!

Merry Christmas To ME, may I get a TV!

As a kid, when I would walk home from school, I would fantasize about finding a litter of kittens abandoned by Momma-cat in the bush. I imagined I would gather them up, bottle feed and raise them until they were strong enough to be adopted. Sometimes when I walk though a parking lot or a snowy street, I look for signs of squeaking kittens still. The only thing that might deter me from gathering them up like Easter eggs, would be that Stuart is allergic. Allergy-shmalergy! I will find a way to get my Kitties.

I personally believe that 70% of Christmas stress comes from having to buy your significant other a gift. It needs to be considerably expensive (so it doesn’t look like you cheaped out), hopefully meaningful in some way, and of course you hope it is something they need AND will like. I mean, I need a dust buster, but would I want it as a gift? No.So to spare ourselves some of the holiday stress, we have decided NOT to exchange gifts this year. Instead, we are going to split the cost of a SICK tv. We went to Futureshop to peruse their selection and I can tell you that TV’s are not as simple as you might think. No more ‘plug and play’. There are LCD’s and LED’s and Plasma’s and Hertz and refresh rates and levels of light and dark in the area where the TV will go and PIXELS! And 1080P and….I don’t even remember what else. So after an hour or so of listening to the man explain the difference and the pro’s and con’s between the models- we are no further along than when we started…now, instead of arguing about size (47” vs 50”) we are now arguing the logistics of having a plasma (better for watching sports) vs a side lit, LED monitor that has crisp picture quality, and can handle how bright our living room is. Anyway, thankfully the decision will likely come down to price on Boxing Day. The better deal wins the dough.

I had a GREAT experience yesterday in an Apple store. Last year, my parents got me an ipod touch for Christmas. From the day I got it, the power button hasn’t worked. I didn’t want to go through all the hassle of finding the warranty and asking my parents for the receipt and having to get Futureshop to fix or replace it. So I basically just accepted the fact that while my ipod was sitting in my gym bag, the battery would drain because it couldn’t be shut off. So while Stu was Christmas shopping I dropped by the apple store to see if they could fix it or had a solution (without any paperwork). To my great surprise, they took one look at my ipod and said “ok, we will just get you another one”. BAM! DONE! New ipod! Just like that! The only downside is that I had to click ‘erase ipod’ when instructed. I lost a lot of music that was from other people’s computers. Oh well, it is worth not having an ipod that will shut off in the middle of my workout.

I am done my Christmas shopping early this year. No Christmas Eve shopping for me! The problem is that when you remove the stress of having to buy that ONE big gift for your sig. other…you feel like you have more money to play with. So yes, I went over. Waaaayyy over. Now I just have to come up with the $1000.00 for the tv…damn!

I am happy to report that in the many months since Halloween, the constant veggies and fish and chicken and lack of all things tasting good, have resulted in a (somewhat significant) weight loss. I even got to the point where the trainers nod at me in the gym now. You know those nerd-bombers that are there so often, they start to get to know the staff? I am that guy now! Anyway, my apartment is decorated to the NINES, even though no one will be there to see it Christmas Eve or Day. Instead, I am driving home to Bridgenorth to spend the night with my parents and then Christmas day, we are coming back to Markham to have a big family Christmas Dinner.

Anyway, enjoy the ice-free roads and the warm Christmas cheer. If you are on a diet, let yourself off easy for the holidays because nothing says Christmas like Shortbread cookies, candy canes and turkey. Be safe and enjoy the time off!

DON'T STEAL DEER- STEAL BEER!

I drive home while the sky is pink in November. Most people think November is depressing because it gets dark so early. I find it comforting to look at the horizon speckled with skyscrapers floating on a pink and purple canvas. There, that is my artist’s vision for the week.

So I am on a diet. Like every day of my life- I am trying to slim down before the shortbreads and turkeys and candy canes of Christmas get the better of me. On that note, can someone please remind the malls and the banks that they are in the wrong month? It is sacrilegious to put up Christmas trees on November 1st. On a similar note, can someone please tell the back-road hicks that Halloween is over and that it is no longer appropriate to have rotting pumpkins on your stoop and corpses hanging in your yard?

Anyway, as I was saying- THIS diet isn’t really a diet because I am trying to permanently alter my eating habits. I have officially cut out ‘whites’ as per the advice of my mother. No white rice, no bread, no potatoes, no white sugar treats. And of course the obvious- no pop, no cheese and no…..well ok, I CAN have most fruits and veggies (lots of raw foods) and any protein (in moderation) I desire. The result is that I am finally losing weight. Along with my vigorous workout regime I have lost 6-7 pounds in two weeks. I have brought soy patties and tofu into my diet. You would be surprised what you are willing to eat when you are hungry enough. I still eat carbs. This isn’t a fad diet. Most fruits and veggis have carbs and I am eating lots of those (at the expense of my bank account). I hate that eating healthy breaks the bank. Not to mention that you have to go shopping twice as often because perishables don’t last. They perish…lol.

And the best thing about my new ‘healthy eating’ venture is that I am not doing it alone. My partner recently picked up the annoying habit of snoring. I believe it was because he had put on more weight than his body could realistically support. He has a small frame and is 6’0 but weighed nearly 215. His most comfortable weight is around 185. So together we are working on resisting temptation and I am happy to announce he has lost about 10 pounds and has almost stopped snoring. And no cheating. Yet.

I figure it is healthy to have a ‘cheat day’ where we get to have a treat we have been craving, but not until our progress outweighs the risk of reneging. I am dying for a slice of pizza, but I will keep that as the light at the end of my tunnel.

I need a good multi-vitamin that is high quality with lots of B-vitamins….anyone know of a good brand?

Frustrating Story of the Month:

So my dad is an avid hunter. Nothing he shoots goes to waste. If you know anything about deer hunting, you would know that it takes A LOT of work to find, shoot and clean and cook a deer. There is lots of walking through the bush, lots of path making and climbing and waiting and then when you DO shoot one, you have a short period of time to gut and drain a deer to make sure the meat stays fresh and doesn’t get ‘gamey’. You also have to find a way to get the 200-250 pound deer back to the Hunt camp and then hang the deer to drain the blood for several days, so the meat gets tender.

So recently my Dad was hunting at his Hunt camp up near Bobcaygen the son of another hunter came hunting and shot his FIRST deer. It was a prize buck, probably a 10 pointer (antlers) and he was so proud, he was going to get the head stuffed and mounted. Anyway- they went to all the work to get it back to camp and hang it and then in the middle of the night a group of gutless poachers came and STOLE this poor kid’s buck. Just cut it down and dragged it off to whatever fate. One of the idiots even lost his knife that he had used to cut it down. So now all the guys at the camp have no deer to show for all their effort. And the cost of a tag for a buck can cost over $100.00 and you normally only get ONE. So if you hear any stories about jerks that steal deer from hardworking hunters- REPORT THEM!

Ode to October...

Thought of the Day:

The most random and unexpected (consequentially the most interesting) thing that could happen to a person would be for you to be sitting in a restaurant (any old pub and grill) and have every person in the restaurant over the age of 70 (and there are lots) break into song. Some very fashionable 50’s swing music would be best. And you would eat your generic wrap and French fries and enjoy some complex harmonies in the rich baritone of elderly male voices. And then when they finish…you realize you are the only couple in the restaurant not in the old man choir….and so you clap, awkwardly. By no means is this intended to inspire an encore. But it does. So you sit through a few more songs and clap along with the wait staff at the end of each one. Yes, that would be so random and interesting. I wish,…no, WAIT. That DID happen to me…well shucks.

        Book Review of the Month:

I Recently finished a trilogy called ‘Chaos Walking’ by Patrick Ness and it has left me feeling emotionally drained and shaken and wanting more (which is something that any good trilogy should make you want). It is the story of settlers on a new planet (and no it is not sci-fi, not really) where every living creature has ‘noise’- a germ that causes every spoken and visual thought to be openly and loudly communicated. It’s a place where women (the only ones without noise) are often murdered or segregated. The story follows the struggles of two teens, searching for safety by moving from town to town, outrunning an army, lead by a crazy and charismatic villain. My favorite part about the books is that the animals have their own noise. And yet, their noise isn’t the thoughts of people, but of actual animals. For instance, a real dog thinks of food and bowel movements and a fish thinks about how hungry it is and a horse thinks about leading and following. The writing is from a 3 pronged, first person perspective.

I think the thing I like best about Patrick Ness is (and I will compare him to the power-house writer Stephen King, in this sense) that he isn’t afraid to hurt his reader. To mortally wound them, even. He doesn’t stand by the rules that there is a core group of characters that you don’t touch and that survive at all odds. He breaks your heart and his plot twists are dangerous and unpredictable. There is no such thing as a perfect happy ending with Patrick Ness (and the same applies to Mr. King).

If you have read Stephen King’s ‘Under the Dome’ you know what I mean when I say you come away feeling like you have been riding an intense emotional roller coaster. You feel a little nauseous, a lot exhilarated and a little sad to be done the ride. It is the same feeling I got from Patrick Ness’s three books: The Knife of Never Letting go, The Ask and the Answer and Monsters of Men. These books are classified as Young Adult Fiction, but the writing isn’t fluffy. It is raw and real and I think these books would apply to any and all readers.

Under the Dome, similarly follows the story of a few core characters fighting the same sort of political mastermind/mayor after the town has been taken hostage by an impenetrable dome of unknown origin, covering the entire town. People die, animals die and Stephen King describes all the horror in an uncaring voice. As a reader, I was shocked and appalled and addicted.

Now, on to real life-

I recently used the rest of my 2010 vacation days to go on a road trip with my lovely sister to Kentucky (and I was teased for accidentally spelling it Kuntucky on a Facebook post, but covered it up by saying I was spelling it phonetically with an accent) to visit her friend and brides maid, Misty. In Summary, Kentucky means (for me) Chicken and waffles, ten hour drives, horse races with teens in prom dresses, Khols, cheap gas and sprawling hills. I think the most remarkable thing about Kentucky is the landscape. The high natural rock bridges and the huge old horse ranches. Old money, so old in fact you can tell they still have slave quarters (even though slavery hasn't been practiced there for nearly 100 some odd years). I have so many pictures of horses on acres and acres of land.

There was even a real castle on the way to Keenland (where they hold the Kentucky Derby). I guess the story goes that a man loved his wife so much that he started building her a castle (and this is in the 21st century and these people are still alive) and when the castle wasn't even complete, she left him for someone else. So the castle sat there rotting for several years and many people wanted to buy it and turn it into a bed and breakfast or a theme park, or anything of the like. I would have probably turned it into a stage for the real life acting of dungeons and dragons. There ARE enough nerds in the world that would pay me a fortune to come and play dressup for the weekend at a REAL castle. Eventually it sold and was turned into a hotel (a VERY exclusive hotel) and several years ago, it burnt down and the public outcry was so huge (people leaving flowers at the gate and crying and being all dramatic)that it finally convinced the owner to rebuild. And so now it stands, proud and refurbished on the top of a hill- a real centerpiece of Kentucky pride.

Keenland itself is another Kentucky symbol. These people are mad about their horse racing. Surprisingly I knew how it worked. Sadly, the only reason I new how to bet on the horse races is because of the Facebook game 'Horse Racing' where you make and race your own cartoon horsies. Lame. I know. Misty warned us beforehand that there would be all walks of life at these Horse Races (and there were). You get the filthy rich, that own and race the horses. You can pick them out because they are wearing the ugly jackets you buy AT Keenland, with all the lucky horseshoes on them. Tacky as hell, but cost like $800.00. Then there are their kids. They are the zit faced ones wearing 3 inch heals and prom dresses and full suits. You can see them hanging out the back of their cars and trucks listening to music and grilling meat on travel grills. Misty tells us they're called 'tailgate paties'. I am sure we have them in Canada too, but Kentucky people LOVE to tailgate.

Then you have the alcoholics and gambling addicts (you can REALLY pick em out, even if it is just by smell) and you have the tourists and visitors. All walks. Speaking of Alcohol, during an attempt to buy a margarita at the track, they looked at Jordana's and my Ontario ID's and just gave us a dumb look like we were illegal aliens from mars. It took 15 minutes for someone who knew anything about Canadian Identification to come and look at them and even then, I heard her say "where are the ages on these things" and after pointing it out, while trying to maintain some form of Canadian Nicety, we got our drinks and claimed a table outside in the sun.

The weather is considerably warmer there. It was shorts and T-shirt weather in Mid October. Except in the morning. We did a cancer walk with our hosts. We had our bright t-shirts and our coats and running shoes and joined most of the town to do a two...mile...walk around the town square.  I swear, every woman I saw had big blonde hair and big blue eyes and was athletic . I just didn't measure up-lol. In Canada, especially in Toronto, I am a minority with my pale features. Out there, I was just one of the masses.

Misty's husband, who is well versed in Kentucky history and culture (when I asked why I hadn't seen many ethnic people and if it was because the 'South' still harboured racist tendencies) said that actually there are lots of groups of ethnic people, but they tend to keep to themselves instead of intermixing, like those in Toronto. He showed me signs of the old culture, where roads were named by the price of slaves and we saw a little town that was separated by train tracks that went right through the middle of main street because, he said, that one side of stores were meant for 'blacks' and the other side was for 'whites'. It was so strange to get a taste of the old world. Even the architecture was different on each side. But now all the stores are 'equal opportunity' (ha) and are mostly cute little boutiques selling toys and books and homemade jewelry.

On a final Kentucky note. The food is delicious. Mmm Grits and fried...everything. I bought a leather jacket because the prices were so good (and the Canadian Dollar was strong, which was awesome). I love Khols. It is like a high-class Winners with more selection. Also- the Wendy's in the USA Sucks! Their menu is totally different. They don't even have a fish sandwich.

And now, a word for MY sponsors:

Dear OSAP,

I owe you lots of money. I really don't think it is in my best interests to pay you back. Ever. The money you fronted me, paid for an education that has gotten me nowhere. I think you should have a clause that says if the education we have gone into debt for, is useless, and never gets us a job earning more than minimum wage- we just call it even. This is because, I wasted 4 years of my life reading about Karl Marx and you wasted 12 grand. Even. Just a suggestion. Mainly because I have to work for a full solid day for free, just to cover the interest you scrape off the top of my bank account each month. Please stop. I am sick of eating chick peas for dinner.
Thank you.

 Dear Canadian ...IBC...Bank,

I owe you lots of money. I really don't think it is in my best interests to pay you back. Ever.The money you gave me in a student line of credit, in the amount of $25,000.00 was a lot to give a 21 year old. Most parents barely trust their 21 year olds with a house key- nevermind a down payment on a house. I squandered the money you gave me on a trip to Cuba, a gym membership I didn't use, a new laptop and booze. I did use some of it for school and for rent, but your assumption that I would be able to start paying you back after graduation, with my high-paying, corporate position, was unfounded. I barely make minimum wage and have to work more than a full day, just to pay off the interest you are skimming off my bank account each month. Please stop. I am sick of living in overdraft. The climate there sucks.
Thank you.

Dear Toyota Canada,

Thanks for giving me a car. However, when you did the credit check and found I had a 95% INCOME TO DEBT RATIO, on what basis did you decide I would be a good candidate to drive one of your vehicles? I will gladly drive your car free of charge. I will even put a logo of your choosing on the side, but I cannot pay $200.00 a month on a continual basis. I can realistically afford a few more months of payments and then I will gladly take the car off your hands.
Thank you for your continued support of getting me to work.

Dear Mastercard...s,

I really appreciate all the HBC reward points and Air Miles. However, because of all your great incentives, I cannot be held responsible for the outlandish amount owing on these cards. The temptation really isn't fair. I feel I am being manipulated into buying new curtains and bed sheets, new lamps and baking dishes, books and boots and braziers. I think it is completely reasonable to assume that we are both equally accountable for my debt to you, so let’s say we split it 50/50.
Just in case you’re curious, these items cannot be returned because someone has removed all the tags and lost all the receipts.Thank you for your continued support of keeping me trendy and fashionable.