March Sadness, not Madness

March has been a sad month.

March in and of itself is a sad month because it is inherently cold and rainy. But it gives hope of Spring. I am holding on to that hope with every fibre of my being. I can't allow myself to be sad or it will swallow me. The dark dreary mornings and the sound of rain on my skylights at work will start to wear me down.

One of my dear friends lost her baby this month. The details are hers, but I feel an overwhelming sense of loss along with her. I can't help but imagine myself in her shoes and I know that it is a scar that will never heal and I just hope that my friendship (and some flowers and ice cream) will be enough solace.

Finances are thin. I am stressed about that. I live in overdraft at the end of every month and savings are scarce. I can't justify buying myself clothes or makeup or anything else that makes me happy and that is probably adding to the overall effect of this month.

I did indulge in one small thing though. I have always been a collector of small pretty things and I bought some miniature velvety horses from Bella Sara. A stupid expense, but it gives me something to be excited about. I check the mail every day when I get home from work to see if they have come. People collect all sorts of odds and ends. That is how I rationalize being 25 years old and buying toys off the intertron.

My Grandmother might be sick. She is getting up there in age...closer to 90 than to 80. She is really looking forward to my sisters wedding this summer but we have to face the reality that she may not live to see it. She is showing signs of kidney failure and pneumonia. She is my heart.

It is hard to even think of her passing, but I guess that is part of growing up. You never think, as a child, that when you grow up and get married that your grandparents won't be there. But I am lucky to even have grandparents NOW.

I was recently fitted for my bridesmaid dress. You can't imagine my distress over knowing I have a deadline to meet for weight loss and appearance...especially on a budget. Who can afford nails, toes, hair, tan and gym fees.....I like being maid of honour but you certainly need deep pockets. The dress itself will be $260.00 WITHOUT alterations- which will absolutely be necessary because even as I am right now- I am between sizes.

My partner is still unemployed and that is wearing on my living situation. It's the 5th month. It is hard to be supportive and uplifting when you really feel resentful. I want to push, but not too hard. I want to help, but I don't want to coddle. I want to plan for the future, but I can't see past the present. Words of encouragement get thinner the more you use them.

Cheers to St. Patty's day.

I shared a pitcher of green beer and had a nice walk in the 18 degree weather. It was a nice pause in an otherwise hectic schedule.

Ok loyal blog readers. I am downer and I know it. Let's hope that March showers bring May flowers early.

Wrecking Balls Wreck my Life.

My head is all foggy today. Anyone who has any experience with migraines or bad headaches can verify that you will take any drug if it promises release from the pain. Last night I was plagued by a horrendous headache that was so bad I had to keep moving just to avoid concentrating on it. I did this until 2am. Then, fed up and exhausted, I decided it would be a great idea to combine all the drugs that don't work for me individually, in hopes the OD might work magic. 2 Tylenol, 1 Excedrin, 1 Emerge, 1 midol....and 2 glasses of water. The result was full body tingles and my breathing becoming difficult and then being dragged into unconsciousness. But the best part was the lack of headache. Today I am dealing with the after effects. That and the normal fatigue from the stupid construction outside my window. Every morning 7am on the dot, I hear jack hammers and yelling and the creak of cranes moving wrecking balls and god knows what else. I have already appealed to our landlord for a rent decrease, under the premise that we weren't made aware of the construction when we started renting. It started 2 months after us moving in. 100 feet from our windows. I need to keep the blinds drawn, lest a construction worker catch me undressing.

The result? My landlord posted a notice to our door, issuing a rent INCREASE come June to compensate for the new HST. Frig. I should have kept my mouth shut. Now we are faced with the Dilemma- do we stay and put up with the construction and rent increase (which is minimal- $10 bucks each) or do we leave on principal in hopes of finding another apartment with the same rent, room and location. Ya right.

While at work, I often offer drinks to people who come in for meetings. Most recently a glass of water to an engineer. The kitchen is not well lit. After getting the glass of water I was in the foyer and noticed (after several minutes) that the glass I had used for 'said' engineer had lipstick stains on it. The glass was clean- having gone through the dishwasher, but lipstick has the work 'stick' in it for a reason. Dilemma. Take the glass....draw attention to the fact that I mistakenly gave him a gross cup. OR- leave the glass, plead ignorance, so as not to embarrass him for drinking out of the gross cup. I had decided to take it, just as he got up, took the cup and went into the president's office. Shoot me.

I have been exposed to something called 'Post Secret' and I am fascinated. It originally started as an art project and had turned into a global phenomena! People send in secrets and confessions on post cards to this guy and he has turned them into books and a website: http://www.postsecret.com/ Reading them, you will be amazed how often you say- "Hey! me too!" and then you will laugh out loud. Some may make you cry. Either way, it will restore your faith in humanity. People feel. They notice. And I have things in common with strangers. The website will post about 10 new post secrets every Sunday. But if you join the group on Facebook(by searching post secret), you can look at post secrets dating back a couple years.

So there is a possible new car in my future. My sister can get me a lease on a 2010 Corolla for staff pricing and a low monthly fee (a little over $200 a month). But it is a bare bones model. Which means it likely doesn't even have power windows. I don't know if I could live without that. And the keyless entry. I need that...or I will lock my keys in my car 100 times over. I can live without a sunroof and leather seats. But I definately would like electric seat control. Stu and I are such different hights it would take me a half hour in the morning to adjust my seat back to me. I would also like automatic lights. Where your headlights come on, when they sense it gets dark and your dash lights up. My car has all of that now....it is just old....and is costing me a fortune.

Tis the season. Spring is comming and it is time for showers. Not April showers, that bring May flowers, but BABY and WEDDING showers! My friend is having a baby in the summer and my sister is getting married in the summer....actually...around the exact same time. I had better start brainstorming!