BIKINI CONTEST

PAINTED IN MICROSOFT PAINT. THAT IS ALL...

When YOU have cramps, blame HIM!

Menstrual Synchronization has been in debate since the 1970’s. For those of you who have no idea what the hell I am talking about, it is the phenomena of woman’s menstrual cycles becoming synchronized (happening at the same time) if they spend too much time together. I spent some time researching it when my period was 4-5 days late for no good reason (Don’t worry, I am not Prego- it has come since then). I recently started working in an office that is 98% female. Most young and in the their prime stage for fertility. The debate actually isn’t so much ‘how’ it happens, but more so ‘if’ it happens. As a woman, I KNOW it does. But many scientific panels of over 100-200 woman show conflicting results as to whether or not woman’s periods align themselves together after prolonged exposure to each other. They would put 180 women in a dorm together for five months and see if their period schedules changed. In some studies it did, in others, there was almost no support of the theory. Actually, in many of the articles I read, they called it ‘the myth of menstrual synchronization’.

The basis of the doubt comes from other studies of pheromones and their roles in human sexuality. It is unsure whether pheromones even exist and if they do, whether or not humans can sense them. You see, most animals that can sense pheromones, have an oscillatory nose sensor (in their nose), specifically designed to pick up pheromones. Human anatomy shows nothing like that. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have one. Evolution may have made it smaller or almost undetectable as its role in our sexuality because less prominent.

What scientists have theorized is that a woman who emits strong pheromones will become a dominant force in the menstrual cycles of other women. So obviously, someone who works in my office is wrecking havoc on my schedule. I am not alone, in passing I mentioned same to one of the girls I work with (and am relatively close with) and she mentioned she has had a second period in two weeks and completely agrees with the theory. She also mentioned that 3-4 of the other woman in the office have already become aligned recently when their schedules were quite different before.

They say that there might be two strains of pheromones. There is one to lengthen your cycle and one to shorten it and that by emitting both at different points in your cycle; you can affect other women who are around you at the time of emitting. An interesting note to go along with this is that in olden times, woman who cycled together used to be accused of being witches because it was thought that their menstruation changed to follow lunar cycles.

It has even been suggested that men might emit a pheromone that causes women to cycle more often and have heavier flows (ie. a healthier womb). This makes you more fertile/child friendly. So when you are cramping and uncomfortable too often, point those glares toward your man!

Interesting isn’t it?

Now, onto the next thing. My car. I got it, I drove it and it leaves me wanting. Wanting electric seats and windows, cruise control, my deck, sub and amp, my 15 speed windshield wipers, my big door handles and two extra cylinders of power and my gas cap that I can just open without pushing a button. All these things I had in my Grand Am, but it was falling apart and even I can admit it was time to say goodbye before the next $600.00 repair. But to be fair, it is much smoother and peppy of the line. It has a temperature gage on the dash and a specialty clock below the radio and PANIC HANDLES, which are the ultimate because I love to hold onto them as a passenger. It has lots of storage space. Not as many cup holders and certainly isn’t my pretty electric blue, but a boring, everyday silver. It is amazing on gas, has new tires, a big trunk and is much smaller and easier to park. IT HAS ROLL UP WINDOWS, which is definitely a let down when you want to create a wind tunnel by having both front windows down- because you CAN’T reach the passenger rolly thing to get it down…and you don’t feel as cool in a drive through.

I swear though that I will treat this car better than the last one. No old coffee cups and garbage, no makeup stains or dusty dash. But it is hard to look after a car when your parking spot is beside a moron who doesn’t know how to drive. I swear, his car is over my line 90% of the time. And he obviously doesn’t give a crap about his car because the windows are broken and stay down all the time. One of his taillights hangs uselessly at the side and there is enough dents and scrapes that it looks like a gang of preschoolers went at it with sticks. So, it’s no real surprise that the VERY first day I got my car I got a parking ticket (despite calling in my plate to guest parking) and a door ding- from the retard. But can you really prove they dinged you? No. And besides, even if I went after them for it, if they can’t even afford to get their windows fixed, my door ding will NOT be a priority for them.

Before I finish, I have one last juicy bit of info to give to the world (or just those people that don’t know already). Megan Fox- the very one and the same that is considered to be the hottest woman in the world- has TOE THUMBS. That’s right. A flaw. A huge gross flaw. Ha ha. Yes, that is my bitter rivalry and secret amusement that someone as perfect as Megan, might not be so perfect. It is a genetic condition she was born with that makes her have clubbed thumbs. So good! Enjoy some of the images. I know I sure did!

I have lots more to say because I have been neglecting my BLOGGER duties. But I think a single entry can only be so long. I just won’t wait as long next time. Until then, loyal blog readers!

Your Own Estimation...

I am probably a bit of a ditz and maybe a bit of a clutz, but I have never considered myself stupid. You know those people that just make you feel like a dummy? Or an underachiever? I’ve known a few. On my facebook page it says “think highly of yourself. The world takes you at your own estimation.” That is really true. A confident woman is a beautiful woman. But where is the line for cockiness- which makes you ugly, even if you ARE attractive? And when is discussing your achievements in bad taste? Maybe when it is apparent that you, YOURSELF, think your achievements go beyond that of other people. I’ve known a few of those too.

All my bragging rights have limitations. Do you include those when you discuss them? Here goes: In high school I had the second highest GPA for 3 years running. The girl with the highest was a reeeaal keener. I couldn’t compete, but I enjoy a healthy dose of competition.

In University I made the Deens list two years running- but just by the skin of my teeth. In Elementary School I created the school mascot (Chemong Dragons) which is still on their wall today. Unfortunately I sold out, for $300.00 and they bought the right to it and mass produced it in every way imaginable. I would be famous at that school if I had received some good advice about copyrighting my work. I consider myself to be a good employee. I have been hired after every (real) interview I have had. I work hard to get my work done, but I need a dose of colour in my day that comes in the form of Solitaire (it used to be facebook, but the site is banned by my current employer). I have been fired once and been laid off once and resigned twice (to relocate).

If you have ever been fired, it is the worst feeling in the world. It took me two years to get over it and leave my bitterness on the doorstep on my way to work each morning. I can gladly and honestly say that my being fired was for false reasons (if you have ever had a crooked employer, you know what I mean when I say I was bitter) but I was too exhausted by the drama to fight it and take it to the next step- whatever that might have been-human rights or something. One of my best qualities is my sense of justice. I hate when things aren’t Just. Like when people are set up, or mistreated without cause. I have a feminist streak, but that is only because of some of the injustice that is attached to issues of feminism. I hate that woman still make less than men for doing the same job. Luckily I have a job that stops crooked doctors in their tracks. So I get my dose of Justice from that. Before this, it was from doing police dispatching. No bragging rights there. It was hard work. Lots to learn and even more to tolerate. You get a real sense about people when you work in a place like that. You might learn to hate them or maybe even pitty them. I saw a counselor while I worked there. One of the best decisions I could have made. Pride on the backburner and while keeping up with police confidentiality, it helped me get through the day. Long days. 12 hour shifts and then I would go home and sleep in house with strangers that had no regard for me. Loud music while I slept.

What I am NOT proud of was how I scammed my way through university. Granted, I went to Guelph, but I found school too easy. So easy, in fact, that I found a way to get out of most assignment and exams and…work, while still maintaining a mid 80 average. I have trouble fully applying myself to things that don’t challenge me. I wish I was driven enough to work full steam through those four years, imagine what I could have accomplished. But as it stands I have a BA sitting in my desk drawer at home, that isn’t really a real representation of what I am capable of. And let’s be honest, if I decided to say I have a 4 year honours degree in microbiology with a minor in economics on my resume- would anyone really question it? They might ask ME questions, but I know enough about those fields to bullshit my way through the lie. No, I have never done that, but I have been tempted.

I would say I am generally ‘slightly above average’ in every way. You name it….I got it….slightly above average ha ha. Smarts? Yup! Looks? Yup! Size? Yup! Skilz? Damn straight! At least I am not putting on any airs. I have no allusions about who I am or what my limitations (& Strengths) are. I have a temper and tend to lash out. I hold grudges. At times, my self esteem sucks. I have a jealous streak. I shut down when I have to do math. I am easy distracted by bright or sparkly things. I become obsessively loyal with friends and it always backfires. I deny emotional responses to things. BUT--- and the big but in all this is- love who you are! The grass is always greener on the other side, but that goes for everyone. If you traded places with someone else, you might gain a good attribute or two, but there is no telling what you might lose. Don’t risk it.

All for now loyal blog readers. Tell yourself something nice everyday- if you can’t do it- don’t expect someone else to.

Bye Bye Sushi!

My fish died. Now, don’t take this lightly because Sushi (that was his name-note the pun) was almost 5 years old. He was my first real pet and the first living thing that Stuart and I looked after together. He was so pretty-Aqua coloured. I did some reading and I guess 5 years is about as long as they live….the absolute MAX. Then it said that they prefer bigger tanks to little ones…Oops. I had him in such a tiny little bowl. Maybe I will upgrade his bowl when I get to wall mart and buy another fish tonight. That’s right- a replacement! I will call him- SASHIMI!

Did you know that Wal-Mart no longer carries fish? Ya! Damn, now where am I gonna get a fish? Some pet food places carry them but they are always in little cups and look faded and sick.

On another animal note- did you hear the one about the Husky eating the baby? No joke. In Montreal a month old baby was asleep in a car seat and the 17 year old mother stepped out for a smoke (I know, a real winner right?) and at the time there were two huskies wandering the house that belonged to a house guest. While she was outside the male husky mauled the baby to death. They are charging the mother with Man slaughter. I would think it would be more along the lines of criminal negligence causing death but no- they wanted to hit her where it hurts. Never mind the fact that she just lost her baby. Some are saying that the 17 year old isn’t that upset. The baby was too new and she didn’t want it anyway. Talk about divine intervention eh?

So my new car is finally here. I am officially going to be driving a 2010 Toyota Corolla….with roll up windows. It was almost a deal breaker. I didn’t even know they HAD roll up windows anymore. I would have even traded my power locks for power windows. I have a Sub Woofer, but it sucks all the cool out of it when you have to roll down your windows so people can hear your ‘sick bass’.

So my mom had skin cancer removed off her nose. It is a fairly straight forward procedure, but the aftermath can be slightly disturbing. They cut out all the cancerous cells and replace them with skin from your neck or face and cartilage from your ear. They stuff your hole with gauze for a week or so and then you have a small circle of Frankenstein skin for two months until your body accepts or rejects it. If you are lucky there is no scarring. Needless to say, my mom has quarantined herself away from the public eye, but I am hoping that won’t extend to our cottage weekends. I need summer sun! And no one cooks better summer meals than my Mamma!
On a random note- the worst thing about being ‘après wedding’ is having to take off your fake nails. Your real nails underneath are always thin and scratchy and they peel and fold and it is like that for WEEKS until they replenish themselves. Every time I take them off I swear to myself I will never get them again, but here I am.

That’s all for now, loyal blog readers- GO SPAIN!

Looking Better=Feeling Worse

So it’s finally over. Talk about an anti-climax. You spend a whole year planning and worrying over every detail of a wedding and it is over in a flash. If there was ever a wedding to be proud of though, it would be my sister’s. Even the smallest details added to the overall feel and flair of the wedding. From specially colour coordinated place cards and menus, to a candy theme consistently running though the reception. My sister thought of everything and nothing was missed.

Jordana wanted nothing but an outdoor ceremony and when it started to rain the day of the wedding, we all started to get the jitters. It poured ALL DAY and we started getting ready for plan B….which would have been to have the ceremony in the reception hall and move all the tables out of the way and then back for dinner. It would have been messy and disorganized, but thankfully it stopped raining 25 minutes before the ceremony was due to start. Dad was filled with Pride as he walked my sister down the aisle and I held back tears while my sister and (now brother-in-law) said their vows. The ONLY issue was the officiant. Humanist officiants (who are willing to perform marriage ceremonies without religion) are rare and are especially hard to find in the Kawartha region.

To say the least, my sister settled for an old retired couple from the area that had given her attitude from the very beginning. So on the day of, it was no surprise to me that he gave me attitude as well. The only issue was that it was IN FRONT of 100 guests!!! Here we all were standing up at the front of the alter, waiting for my sister to walk down the aisle and I can see her, linked arms with my father, waiting for everyone to rise so she can start the march. I look at the officiant and he is lazily looking at the crowd saying NOTHING. People start to get ancy and look around and to each other to see what they should do. I look at the wedding party and everyone is starting to look panicked and unsure. I see my sister and my dad shuffling back and fourth, unsure if they should start to walk. I look to the bridesmaids and I ask quietly if I should give the cue and I get a curt nod telling me that SOMEONE SHOULD. So I say “Could everyone please rise for the Bride”. Immediately relieved, everyone stands and turns to receive her as she begins the walk with my Dad. The DICK HOLE of an officiant turns to me and announces loudly- “Hey! That was my line- do you wanna do my job as well?” I swear it echoed over everyone’s head. I am shocked, but angry enough to reply with “someone should!”

Luckily, my sister escaped the drama and her grand entrance took everyone’s eyes from my heated face. She was absolutely glowing! And thanks to her lovely makeup and hair person who made us perdy! (I tried to do my own hair, but that absolutely backfired and she saved the day- with hardly a minute to spare).

So the ceremony was beautiful- never mind the fact that the DICK HOLE had a slight lisp and never took his eyes off the paper in his hand and barked orders to the bridesmaids about taking Jordana’s flowers and straightening her train and signing the documents. I had every intention of kicking him out after the ceremony. NO WAY were we going to invite him to dinner or cocktails. But the man essentially ran from us the moment he was done. With barely a murmured thanks, he was gone and GOOD RIDDANCE. The worst situation after a wedding is to lose the marriage documents. Well the DICKHOLE, before leaving, had handed them off to who he THOUGHT was the mother of the bride, but turned out to be our cousin, who later handed me the documents, unsure why she got them. Thank god he didn’t hand them to a quirkier guest who might have kept them as a memento. Ha ha.

I originally had reservations about being maid of honour. Since my recent weight gain, I have avoided photos fervently. I knew that being in the wedding party would mean a formal wedding shoot and that is my biggest fear. I told myself I would avoid as many informal snapshots as possible, while smiling as true as possible in front of the professional photographer. Any photos I smiled for I asked- “please don’t put it on the internet- I don’t like being in photos.” Most people smiled and nodded, but every day I check facebook with apprehension waiting to see myself. I haven’t been disappointed.

When you see yourself in photos, it is a true slap in the face. Most people can’t TRULY see themselves when they look in the mirror. We see ourselves every day and weight gain can seem subtle. But in photos (which are mostly unforgiving anyway) you cannot escape the image by shifting or smiling….What you really look like to others is plastered there. If you ever lose weight and look back at the photos, you will feel humiliated because you let yourself be that way. If you don’t lose weight, you will still just hate seeing the photos because it will be a constant reminder of the way you wish you didn’t look on your sister’s wedding day. It can ruin a PERFECTLY GOOD DAY! So I chose NOT TO LOOK. So stop forcing me by tagging me in an awful shot or posting a particularly humiliating view of my dancing in shiny orange taffeta. My boyfriend can attest to the fact that I watch the screen and my face will drop and I won’t want to do much of anything for the rest of the day. There is no other mood killer, like seeing yourself look like a gorilla in what you thought was a pretty dress and hairstyle.

ALSO- Just a note to all those people who have NEVER had a weight problem- NEVER COMPLIMENT people on ‘looking better’ or ‘looking so good and healthy compared to before” after losing pounds. It is a backwards compliment. You are saying ‘you look better than you did when you were fat’ and it is just like bashing the boyfriend after the breakup- it’s dangerous because they can always come back!

Telling people they are making great progress is perfectly acceptable…but don’t place a judgment on it. Even at our heaviest, we still want to feel attractive and don’t want to be told we were living a lie after the fact. I have even been told “wow Jamie, you have lost so many sizes. You were big before, but now you are tiny!” …don’t say that. It makes us hate you….ha ha
There should be NO better or worse attached to weight….it is just a ‘different look’….no better…no worse. Health should be the only place where ‘better’ can be applied, but I will say that even at my heaviest, I was still strong, could still run and considered myself in better shape than most of my thin friends. My health is not the issue.

So just a heads up for those who think they are doing us a favour….you’re not. Anyway- I sound entirely too bitter for a post wedding blog. It is summer time and Canada Day! Let’s be patriotic and wear our red and whites. See you at the cottage!