What has tread marks and two black eyes....

I don’t like coffee. I will drink the odd one from Tim Horton’s, but if I had a choice, I would rather drink tea. The benefit? I have whiter teeth then your average shmo. Actually, since working the standard nine to five, I am beginning to feel the craving for the familiar warmth you get by having a warm drink in your hand while plugging away at your office duties. But I don’t like coffee….and truth be known, tea can stain your teeth even more then your favourite brew. My solution? Drink hot water. That’s it. Just hot water out of the coffee maker. If you have lemon, go for it- add a squeeze. But it seems everything is bad for us now- too much or consistent lemon wears all the enamel off your teeth. So for now- hot water it is. It has been proven to help your body burn more calories. It may not be pleasant to drink- but it seems to sate the need for absent minded sipping to get us through the early mornings at the office.

I remember early in the summer during the garbage strike I commented on all the road kill that was plaguing our main roadways. Since then, I have had a shock to the system and feel differently about our squashed forest friends. I was in the car with Stuart (he was driving- thank GOD) and we were on a quiet side street on our way home from dinner and WHAMMO! A huge-dog sized- raccoon waddled across the road almost directly in front of my tires. Since it is a residential area, we were only going about 40km an hour- hardly fast enough to splatter a raccoon. Instead we went over it like we might go over a speed bump. Tortuously slow and agonizingly drawn out. I remember holding my breath and looking in the rear view mirror.

Maybe we didn’t hit him? Maybe there actually was a speed bump? But no. My worst fears were confirmed when I saw him trying to pull himself to the curb with his front paws. I immediately burst into hysterical tears. Shaking sobs, practically hyperventilating. We both sat frozen watching him struggle, knowing we hadn’t hit him hard enough to kill him, but that we had been going slow enough to mortally wound him with the weight of the vehicle. I have never seen an animal hit by a car and I have never (myself) ran over one. To say that I was distressed is an understatement. I believe I almost fainted when Stuart said “we have to run over him again”. “WHAT????” I screamed. The poor creature had been through enough and even if we DID hit him again (fast enough to supposedly finish the job, but slow enough to not damage my car considering he was the size of a moose) there would be no guarantee it would kill him this time.

Besides, I couldn’t bring myself to. I always thought that if I was in the situation where I needed to humanely dispose of a wounded animal- I would have the courage. By knife, ax or blunt object or by running it over again. Turns out it is a whole different story when it is actually happening.

So we drove away. We watched a movie with friends and I tried not to think about it. After everyone left, I couldn't wait anymore. I convinced Stuart to drive back to the gruesome scene to see if someone braver had put him out of his misery or if some other unfortunate car had hit him again. When we got there, he was lying almost on the sidewalk. He could have been asleep, he looked perfectly undamaged on the outside. But we knew he had died. I can't stop thinking about how long it might have taken for him to die. How much pain he must have felt and how long it had been drawn out. (I know, it is depressing to think about). I could kick myself for leaving him there without...doing something. It was 10 o clock at night. There was no way animal control would have come to help a raccoon. They are a dime a dozen....

My sister says I have too much of a soft spot to humanize a raccoon like that. They called them vermin. Said I did the city a favour by ridding it of one of the bigger ones. That it is a bigger version of a rat and people hit and kill them every day. They get into garbage and kill peoples pets and are diseased. Then how come I am dwelling on this so much?! Humans are diseased and annoying, and get into garbage....we can't get away with a hit and run with them!

When I was a little kid, my dad caught a mouse at the cottage that had eaten mouse poison and was slow and dopey and almost tame because of it. I had watched him for hours, but eventually my dad had said it was cruel to let him die slowly from the poison and he drowned him in a bucket of water. I cried for hours and laid on my bunk bed and wouldn't talk to anyone. I even drew a little mouse in crayons on the wall (it was a log- so not a big deal) and beside it I wrote 'Goodbye my friend'. It is still there, nearly 14 years later and friends and boyfriends always tease me about it.

Gobble Gobble it up!

I have come to the conclusion that my apartment is too small to house 6 people for a weekend. This weekend Stuarts old friends from highschool and from London came and stayed with us and we had a blast, but the limited mobility around the 2 inflated air mattresses and various luggage, made it hard to eat and ....do anything really. The result? broken chairs, beer everywhere (rug and couch) and filthy everything.

It's that time again- The Markham Fair! I can't believe I have had a blog for over a year now. And I am actually sticking with it! I love fairs, but it is so easy to drop $100.00 bucks without even blinking an eye. I won my sister the stuffed black lab puppy she had been eyeing (despite our men's best efforts) and Stuart managed to win me the purple monster I had been pining after. He won it by squirting his gun in the hole and winning the race. Get you minds out of the gutter!

The funny thing about the things you win at the fair is that at the time you want them so badly, but when you get them home, you can only think of how to get it out of the public eye. What box can this go in? Now I have a purple monster sitting on my book shelf. Not exactly a designers dream.

Speaking of designers. This weekend my friend Kelsey and I did the Colin & Justins Home Heist tour through Toronto and Etobiko. We saw about 11 completely fabulously designed houses and got to meet Colin and Justin- who are equally fabulous and total Divas. They signed our books (you get them if you do the tour and the proceeds go to the Cancer Society.

I am going to attempt to cook a turkey in light of Thanksgiving. That's right. I have been assured it is not difficult if you take the simple route ie. (boxed stuffing, canned cranberries and gravy). So if I don't come home with many leftovers, I will rouse the Martha Stewart that is dormant inside me, and COOK!
The bathroom is the warmest place in my office. Maybe it is the way the ventilation system is set up, but I swear when I am sitting at my desk, I am freezing but the second I take a pee break I am toasty warm. I wonder if my coworkers would get suspicious if I started bringing paper work into the bathroom.

With the Canadian dollar so high, I suggest everyone start buying more on Ebay. This is good advice.

That is all the random stuff I can think to write. Bye for now,...

Double Cohort THIS mutha F*#%er!

The question being posed a lot lately is whether students are prepared for university, coming out of high school. There has been a lot of opinionated junk filling the airways about it. I say- can you ever really be prepared?I mean, how prepared could my generation have been?

We were the first year of the double cohort. We were the guinea pigs. We were the trial run for new lesson plans and introductory courses. We had teachers that weren't sure how to teach these new concepts to us, so they kept it simple. Our 4-5 years (depending on our choice) of high school were a joke compared to what they are now. Teachers have had time to perfect the 4 year learning curve and better prepare students for more in less time. Does that mean we were expected to fail out of college and university? Cuz, no offense, I did fine. So did many of my peers. The success of person is built into their moral fibre. Their drive to succeed. Not their 'well learned skills' in high school. Ya right. I can barely remember the periodic table of elements and I knew the entire thing in high school- in a song! That I wrote! Ha!

If we are talking skills here, the most important thing I learned in high school is how to get by. It isn't HOW you deal with stress- just that you DO deal with it. Whether it is bullshitting your way out of it, rushing to complete last minute projects, or finding the all mighty doctors note- all of those skills can be applied in University. Screw organization, and time management and deadline dealing- how many University student do you know that can TRULY time manage? It is about last minute studying before exams, finding last weeks notes in a pile of food coupons, doodles and love letters, re-using old notebooks- writing on the backs of pages this time to avoid spending the five dollars for a new notebook. It is about going to class but having the good sense to know when skipping it won't hurt you too badly (except for a few scan tron questions on the next exam) or being aware that if there are presentations going on, no one will miss you and you won't miss anything.

It is about having the go ahead to get the Prof to remember your face and name,( studies have shown it substantially increases your GPA. Even when your papers don't warrant it). AND lastly, the most important thing to know to be prepared for University is that a nap between classes can save you soul and bring you to your night classes and greasy food can take the edge off a hangover.

Cheers, loyal blog readers! (Excerpt taken from toga parties and Jello shooters 101)

The Hazards of Driving...

I find myself sitting in traffic. I am sitting there for what seems like my entire life. I am spending so much time in stop and go traffic and the worst thing about it is that when you are driving you can’t multi-task to keep yourself interested. I mean, you could, but it is illegal. No putting on makeup, no munching on snacks, no fiddling with cell phones or painting your nails. It could all result in one big fat ticket.

Is it just me, or is traffic getting woooorsssee? When I first moved into my new place, (mind you it was the middle of June) my route to work would take 15-20 minutes and the route home would take 20-30 minutes. I take the 401 to the 404 and then proceed to HWY 7 in Markham. Maybe it is all the student drivers that are now back on the road since school started, or maybe the cold weather is making people drive slower, and angrier, causing more accidents. Now I feel like it takes nearly 40 minutes to an hour to go ANYWHERE.

You would think, the same people are driving the same route twice a day. So why all the accidents? All the collisions? All the turnovers? Are you not familiar with the risks of HWY driving by now? Are you not prepared for all the idiot drivers we see being honked at every day? COME ON PEOPLE! Get it together! Stop flipping your BMW’s and side swiping your Escalades and T-boning your T-Birds (ok I had to put that one in).

I’ve started being a rebel and calling people when I am stopped on the 404. Yep. I am risking it to keep myself sane. I certainly don’t have ADD, but can you imagine if I DID? OMG. I would be throwing gum at cars rolling by and making eyes at ugly old men to get a reaction. I would strike up conversation with cars with their windows down….ok I have done that….but only once or twice. As it is now, I twiddle my thumbs and sing along with the radio. But anyone who knows me well, knows I don’t have a head for lyrics and almost NEVER sing the right words. And it pisses me off when I am in a 2 line streak and screw up the last couple of words “there’s a she-wolf in your closet, open up the closet…so she…can…run”…..”dammit!” So I end up getting home angry and Stuart feels the wrath.

I have also attempted to read my book while sitting in traffic. I know, I know. But it goes like this- I am stopped. I read a line. Look up. Roll a foot. Stop. Read a line. Look up…..etc.

On an amazing note- Did you hear the one about that woman in the department store that was fed up with someone else's misbehaving child and took the liberty of spanking the child? She is being charged with assault. We have ALL been there where we wanted to intervene with the kid that is running warp speed down the isles or the screaming kid in the restaurant, or the one kicking your chair. We've all wanted to knock their block off. I applaud the woman who finally had the nerve to do it. Just last night, Stuart and I were sitting in Wimpy's and there were these two almost toddlers (about 4?) that were running up and down the restaurant and crawling all over the bar stools. They were screaming and getting filthy and I thought- If I did that when I was a kid, my mother would have fed me a line about staying on my butt or I would be "outa this restaurant so fast your head'll spin!" But I guess this generation is different.

Drowning in Taffeta & Lace Vomit

So Kanye has proved once more, how much of a classy guy he is by stealing Taylor Swift’s thunder and humiliating her internationally at the VMA’s. Like seriously Kanye….if Beyonce’s video was soooo good as you said, don’t you think the VMA’s would acknowledge her somewhere else? LIKE THEY DID- when they gave her video of the YEAR!

On a funnier note, isn’t it awesome that Lady Gaga was denied the priviledge of bringing a lion onto the red carpet with her? Ha ha. And then her speech gave a shout-out to the ‘Gays’. Gotta love those inclusive speeches.

Foosball is a friggen workout. My sister bought a competition grade foosball table and we played doubles matches all Sunday afternoon. No one can beat Steve. I mean, it was like trying to play hockey as a rookie against an NHL-er. Stu and I played him 2 against 1 and STILL got clobbered. I will have to improve my skills. They are valuable skills: to be able to rotate and flick your wrist-really fast!

Wedding planning is stressful. And it isn’t even my wedding. This past weekend, Jordana and I went to the wedding expo. It was $15 bucks to get in and walk around having salespeople try their damndest to sell you THEIR wedding cakes or THEIR invitation schemes. The only thing you end up getting as a freebie are coupons and wedding planners and stupid bags to hold are the useless pamphlets and paper they give you. The funnest part of the whole day was getting to see the wedding fashion show. FYI…models are not build to wear wedding gowns. Not only did it look like the weight of the ball gowns was going to drag them to the floor at any minute, but NONE of them filled out the top of these gowns. I don’t think you could even alter them enough that they wouldn’t gap and gape in odd places on these VERY thin and tall women.

On another note, on an up-close and personal basis, wedding dresses are sooo gross. They feel artificial and cheap and like polyester. Like glorified, blown up Barbie dresses. They are too thick and gaudy and impossible to admire hanging on a wire hangar along with other bulk, mass produced gowns in ever shade from dirty white to faded yellow. I am so glad I don’t have to swim through that ocean of taffeta and silk. There are just too many options….beaded bodice, mermaid, ball gown, train, strapless, cap sleeves, streamlined, A-line……barf.

I have been spending my free time parading around the most hilarious website in the world, stealing amusing shots of cats & dogs involved in hilarious antics. It’s sad I know. What started as a few funnies, is now an entire album of over 60 photos depicting my failure at having a social life. At least they give me the giggles.