DON'T STEAL DEER- STEAL BEER!

I drive home while the sky is pink in November. Most people think November is depressing because it gets dark so early. I find it comforting to look at the horizon speckled with skyscrapers floating on a pink and purple canvas. There, that is my artist’s vision for the week.

So I am on a diet. Like every day of my life- I am trying to slim down before the shortbreads and turkeys and candy canes of Christmas get the better of me. On that note, can someone please remind the malls and the banks that they are in the wrong month? It is sacrilegious to put up Christmas trees on November 1st. On a similar note, can someone please tell the back-road hicks that Halloween is over and that it is no longer appropriate to have rotting pumpkins on your stoop and corpses hanging in your yard?

Anyway, as I was saying- THIS diet isn’t really a diet because I am trying to permanently alter my eating habits. I have officially cut out ‘whites’ as per the advice of my mother. No white rice, no bread, no potatoes, no white sugar treats. And of course the obvious- no pop, no cheese and no…..well ok, I CAN have most fruits and veggies (lots of raw foods) and any protein (in moderation) I desire. The result is that I am finally losing weight. Along with my vigorous workout regime I have lost 6-7 pounds in two weeks. I have brought soy patties and tofu into my diet. You would be surprised what you are willing to eat when you are hungry enough. I still eat carbs. This isn’t a fad diet. Most fruits and veggis have carbs and I am eating lots of those (at the expense of my bank account). I hate that eating healthy breaks the bank. Not to mention that you have to go shopping twice as often because perishables don’t last. They perish…lol.

And the best thing about my new ‘healthy eating’ venture is that I am not doing it alone. My partner recently picked up the annoying habit of snoring. I believe it was because he had put on more weight than his body could realistically support. He has a small frame and is 6’0 but weighed nearly 215. His most comfortable weight is around 185. So together we are working on resisting temptation and I am happy to announce he has lost about 10 pounds and has almost stopped snoring. And no cheating. Yet.

I figure it is healthy to have a ‘cheat day’ where we get to have a treat we have been craving, but not until our progress outweighs the risk of reneging. I am dying for a slice of pizza, but I will keep that as the light at the end of my tunnel.

I need a good multi-vitamin that is high quality with lots of B-vitamins….anyone know of a good brand?

Frustrating Story of the Month:

So my dad is an avid hunter. Nothing he shoots goes to waste. If you know anything about deer hunting, you would know that it takes A LOT of work to find, shoot and clean and cook a deer. There is lots of walking through the bush, lots of path making and climbing and waiting and then when you DO shoot one, you have a short period of time to gut and drain a deer to make sure the meat stays fresh and doesn’t get ‘gamey’. You also have to find a way to get the 200-250 pound deer back to the Hunt camp and then hang the deer to drain the blood for several days, so the meat gets tender.

So recently my Dad was hunting at his Hunt camp up near Bobcaygen the son of another hunter came hunting and shot his FIRST deer. It was a prize buck, probably a 10 pointer (antlers) and he was so proud, he was going to get the head stuffed and mounted. Anyway- they went to all the work to get it back to camp and hang it and then in the middle of the night a group of gutless poachers came and STOLE this poor kid’s buck. Just cut it down and dragged it off to whatever fate. One of the idiots even lost his knife that he had used to cut it down. So now all the guys at the camp have no deer to show for all their effort. And the cost of a tag for a buck can cost over $100.00 and you normally only get ONE. So if you hear any stories about jerks that steal deer from hardworking hunters- REPORT THEM!

Ode to October...

Thought of the Day:

The most random and unexpected (consequentially the most interesting) thing that could happen to a person would be for you to be sitting in a restaurant (any old pub and grill) and have every person in the restaurant over the age of 70 (and there are lots) break into song. Some very fashionable 50’s swing music would be best. And you would eat your generic wrap and French fries and enjoy some complex harmonies in the rich baritone of elderly male voices. And then when they finish…you realize you are the only couple in the restaurant not in the old man choir….and so you clap, awkwardly. By no means is this intended to inspire an encore. But it does. So you sit through a few more songs and clap along with the wait staff at the end of each one. Yes, that would be so random and interesting. I wish,…no, WAIT. That DID happen to me…well shucks.

        Book Review of the Month:

I Recently finished a trilogy called ‘Chaos Walking’ by Patrick Ness and it has left me feeling emotionally drained and shaken and wanting more (which is something that any good trilogy should make you want). It is the story of settlers on a new planet (and no it is not sci-fi, not really) where every living creature has ‘noise’- a germ that causes every spoken and visual thought to be openly and loudly communicated. It’s a place where women (the only ones without noise) are often murdered or segregated. The story follows the struggles of two teens, searching for safety by moving from town to town, outrunning an army, lead by a crazy and charismatic villain. My favorite part about the books is that the animals have their own noise. And yet, their noise isn’t the thoughts of people, but of actual animals. For instance, a real dog thinks of food and bowel movements and a fish thinks about how hungry it is and a horse thinks about leading and following. The writing is from a 3 pronged, first person perspective.

I think the thing I like best about Patrick Ness is (and I will compare him to the power-house writer Stephen King, in this sense) that he isn’t afraid to hurt his reader. To mortally wound them, even. He doesn’t stand by the rules that there is a core group of characters that you don’t touch and that survive at all odds. He breaks your heart and his plot twists are dangerous and unpredictable. There is no such thing as a perfect happy ending with Patrick Ness (and the same applies to Mr. King).

If you have read Stephen King’s ‘Under the Dome’ you know what I mean when I say you come away feeling like you have been riding an intense emotional roller coaster. You feel a little nauseous, a lot exhilarated and a little sad to be done the ride. It is the same feeling I got from Patrick Ness’s three books: The Knife of Never Letting go, The Ask and the Answer and Monsters of Men. These books are classified as Young Adult Fiction, but the writing isn’t fluffy. It is raw and real and I think these books would apply to any and all readers.

Under the Dome, similarly follows the story of a few core characters fighting the same sort of political mastermind/mayor after the town has been taken hostage by an impenetrable dome of unknown origin, covering the entire town. People die, animals die and Stephen King describes all the horror in an uncaring voice. As a reader, I was shocked and appalled and addicted.

Now, on to real life-

I recently used the rest of my 2010 vacation days to go on a road trip with my lovely sister to Kentucky (and I was teased for accidentally spelling it Kuntucky on a Facebook post, but covered it up by saying I was spelling it phonetically with an accent) to visit her friend and brides maid, Misty. In Summary, Kentucky means (for me) Chicken and waffles, ten hour drives, horse races with teens in prom dresses, Khols, cheap gas and sprawling hills. I think the most remarkable thing about Kentucky is the landscape. The high natural rock bridges and the huge old horse ranches. Old money, so old in fact you can tell they still have slave quarters (even though slavery hasn't been practiced there for nearly 100 some odd years). I have so many pictures of horses on acres and acres of land.

There was even a real castle on the way to Keenland (where they hold the Kentucky Derby). I guess the story goes that a man loved his wife so much that he started building her a castle (and this is in the 21st century and these people are still alive) and when the castle wasn't even complete, she left him for someone else. So the castle sat there rotting for several years and many people wanted to buy it and turn it into a bed and breakfast or a theme park, or anything of the like. I would have probably turned it into a stage for the real life acting of dungeons and dragons. There ARE enough nerds in the world that would pay me a fortune to come and play dressup for the weekend at a REAL castle. Eventually it sold and was turned into a hotel (a VERY exclusive hotel) and several years ago, it burnt down and the public outcry was so huge (people leaving flowers at the gate and crying and being all dramatic)that it finally convinced the owner to rebuild. And so now it stands, proud and refurbished on the top of a hill- a real centerpiece of Kentucky pride.

Keenland itself is another Kentucky symbol. These people are mad about their horse racing. Surprisingly I knew how it worked. Sadly, the only reason I new how to bet on the horse races is because of the Facebook game 'Horse Racing' where you make and race your own cartoon horsies. Lame. I know. Misty warned us beforehand that there would be all walks of life at these Horse Races (and there were). You get the filthy rich, that own and race the horses. You can pick them out because they are wearing the ugly jackets you buy AT Keenland, with all the lucky horseshoes on them. Tacky as hell, but cost like $800.00. Then there are their kids. They are the zit faced ones wearing 3 inch heals and prom dresses and full suits. You can see them hanging out the back of their cars and trucks listening to music and grilling meat on travel grills. Misty tells us they're called 'tailgate paties'. I am sure we have them in Canada too, but Kentucky people LOVE to tailgate.

Then you have the alcoholics and gambling addicts (you can REALLY pick em out, even if it is just by smell) and you have the tourists and visitors. All walks. Speaking of Alcohol, during an attempt to buy a margarita at the track, they looked at Jordana's and my Ontario ID's and just gave us a dumb look like we were illegal aliens from mars. It took 15 minutes for someone who knew anything about Canadian Identification to come and look at them and even then, I heard her say "where are the ages on these things" and after pointing it out, while trying to maintain some form of Canadian Nicety, we got our drinks and claimed a table outside in the sun.

The weather is considerably warmer there. It was shorts and T-shirt weather in Mid October. Except in the morning. We did a cancer walk with our hosts. We had our bright t-shirts and our coats and running shoes and joined most of the town to do a two...mile...walk around the town square.  I swear, every woman I saw had big blonde hair and big blue eyes and was athletic . I just didn't measure up-lol. In Canada, especially in Toronto, I am a minority with my pale features. Out there, I was just one of the masses.

Misty's husband, who is well versed in Kentucky history and culture (when I asked why I hadn't seen many ethnic people and if it was because the 'South' still harboured racist tendencies) said that actually there are lots of groups of ethnic people, but they tend to keep to themselves instead of intermixing, like those in Toronto. He showed me signs of the old culture, where roads were named by the price of slaves and we saw a little town that was separated by train tracks that went right through the middle of main street because, he said, that one side of stores were meant for 'blacks' and the other side was for 'whites'. It was so strange to get a taste of the old world. Even the architecture was different on each side. But now all the stores are 'equal opportunity' (ha) and are mostly cute little boutiques selling toys and books and homemade jewelry.

On a final Kentucky note. The food is delicious. Mmm Grits and fried...everything. I bought a leather jacket because the prices were so good (and the Canadian Dollar was strong, which was awesome). I love Khols. It is like a high-class Winners with more selection. Also- the Wendy's in the USA Sucks! Their menu is totally different. They don't even have a fish sandwich.

And now, a word for MY sponsors:

Dear OSAP,

I owe you lots of money. I really don't think it is in my best interests to pay you back. Ever. The money you fronted me, paid for an education that has gotten me nowhere. I think you should have a clause that says if the education we have gone into debt for, is useless, and never gets us a job earning more than minimum wage- we just call it even. This is because, I wasted 4 years of my life reading about Karl Marx and you wasted 12 grand. Even. Just a suggestion. Mainly because I have to work for a full solid day for free, just to cover the interest you scrape off the top of my bank account each month. Please stop. I am sick of eating chick peas for dinner.
Thank you.

 Dear Canadian ...IBC...Bank,

I owe you lots of money. I really don't think it is in my best interests to pay you back. Ever.The money you gave me in a student line of credit, in the amount of $25,000.00 was a lot to give a 21 year old. Most parents barely trust their 21 year olds with a house key- nevermind a down payment on a house. I squandered the money you gave me on a trip to Cuba, a gym membership I didn't use, a new laptop and booze. I did use some of it for school and for rent, but your assumption that I would be able to start paying you back after graduation, with my high-paying, corporate position, was unfounded. I barely make minimum wage and have to work more than a full day, just to pay off the interest you are skimming off my bank account each month. Please stop. I am sick of living in overdraft. The climate there sucks.
Thank you.

Dear Toyota Canada,

Thanks for giving me a car. However, when you did the credit check and found I had a 95% INCOME TO DEBT RATIO, on what basis did you decide I would be a good candidate to drive one of your vehicles? I will gladly drive your car free of charge. I will even put a logo of your choosing on the side, but I cannot pay $200.00 a month on a continual basis. I can realistically afford a few more months of payments and then I will gladly take the car off your hands.
Thank you for your continued support of getting me to work.

Dear Mastercard...s,

I really appreciate all the HBC reward points and Air Miles. However, because of all your great incentives, I cannot be held responsible for the outlandish amount owing on these cards. The temptation really isn't fair. I feel I am being manipulated into buying new curtains and bed sheets, new lamps and baking dishes, books and boots and braziers. I think it is completely reasonable to assume that we are both equally accountable for my debt to you, so let’s say we split it 50/50.
Just in case you’re curious, these items cannot be returned because someone has removed all the tags and lost all the receipts.Thank you for your continued support of keeping me trendy and fashionable.